Good Luck and Good Riddance.
Saturday, January 21, 2012
"Never thought we'd have our last kiss..."
"Never thought we'd end like this...
You're name, forever the one on my lips...
You're name, forever the one on my lips...
-Taylor Swift "Last Kiss"
This will be my last blog, seeing as Brennen broke up with me last night. I had spent the entire day getting ready for our 8th month, where we were planning to go to Ghirdelli Square in the San Francisco. Later that day he texts me telling me not to dress up, and that he wanted to talk in the car before our date. I was a little weirded out, because I knew "talking in the car" meant that he had something he needed to tell me. That's where we usually discuss our relationship and stuff. I racked my brain for things I could have done wrong recently, and I couldn't think of anything. As it got closer and closer to seven, I got more and more nervous.. I must have done and redone my makeup a bunch of times. Finally, I heard a knock on the door. I made a few jokes in the house, grabbed my glasses and phone, and ran out the door. I hadn't realized it had started raining again, and I said "Oh! I should get an umbrella!" and brennen turned to me and said "Don't worry, it won't take that long" I was a little confused with the statement, but being still in denial, I decided it was because we wouldn't be outside long... or the rain was going to stop...
We got in the car, and I put my seat belt on, and gave Brennen a smile. He sighed, and asked me if I could ever get over my fear of heights and people disliking me. I gave him a weird look, and said "No.... it's a part of my personality?". He sighed again, and said "I... I... I want to break up."
I was shocked beyond belief. Here I was expecting a romantic date in the city, and how I had all of these things to tell him... just earlier today I was thinking about our wedding.... and how I wanted to ask him if we had to wait 9 years, because I wasn't sure if I wanted to make my mother wait that long. I was also so glad we were getting so close to our 1 year.... I was going to be so happy, I was so.... proud.
Stupid things, stupid little things....
I gave him back my promise ring, and asked why after all I had done for him, forgiven him about the cheating. The only thing he said back was "This isn't about the cheating"
I couldn't take it anymore. I got out of the car, choked out "I still love you", slammed the car door and ran sobbing to my front door, where I collapsed on the floor crying for an hour. I stopped to change my facebook status, knowing that I couldn't change his mind, and that I didn't want to. I had obviously lost him months ago when he cheated. If he was happy in our relationship, and he was happy being long distance. But he's been gone, and it kills me inside.
So many things have gone through my head. I threw away all his love letters, his Christmas present, and then hid his prom picture, and any other small gifts, like bracelets, tea mugs.... Then I deleted all of the pictures of him in my phone, dating back to the day he gave my the carved tree with the words "May our love grow forever".
Bull. Shit. Because according to him.... I'm not marriage material.
It all feels like a lie... like some big ruse... so many broken promises..... why even buy me a ring?
I have so many things I wish I could have said. Like the fact that the first time we had sex... my first time, I wasn't even ready, I just did it because... well, I thought it would strengthen our relationship. Now I just regret it entirely, I should have saved it for someone special.
I'm just so... burnt right now. I spent the entire night staring at my ceiling wondering what I would do. I thought about converting to the catholic religion and becoming a nun.... I thought of my trip to Honduras this spring, and how I could do something stupid on purpose and get myself shot.... or fall off the cliff at Linda Mar Beach.... then I decided I was going to be a cat lady. I already have one cat... what's stopping me from getting 19 more? I don't want to love again.... I get burnt by sweet guys who turn into assholes every single time. My first boyfriend was nice, then broke up with my on our 6th month because he failed his drivers test. My second boyfriend... I dated him for 2 years and 7 months.... became a bisexual bipolar and he told me I had no redeeming qualities whatsoever because I asked him if he wanted to take a break to explore his sexuality. I dated a rich guy who showered me with gifts and affection.... he's probably the only guy who came out the sweetest, because he understood my problems and was willing to wait and let me breathe. And now Brennen... a sweet gentleman with.... I guess a roving eye and a hidden rudeness that could shock anyone.
I can't be really mean to Bren... because for all of the hatred, I could never be mean, because as I said that night, I still love him. And even though he told me straight up that he doesn't love me "that way" (which sounded vaguely similar to my Dad's reasons for getting a divorce... actually, scratch that, that's exactly why my dad decided he wanted to get a divorce)
I wonder who she is. Because she's a lucky girl...she's gotta have something so special to ruin what we had. To be able to catch his eye.... sometimes I wish I could know the real reason why he left, but it wouldn't make me feel better at all, just worse... so much worse...
Well, LFADers, this is goodbye. This is my last post, the final chapter to a romance never meant to be. The popular jock and the Theatre nerd... The Prince charming who was with the wrong princess.
"Summer romances end for all kinds of reasons. But when all is said and done, they have one thing in common: They are shooting stars-a spectacular moment of light in the heavens, a fleeting glimpse of eternity. And in a flash, they're gone."
-The Notebook
Monday, January 2, 2012
Oh, I believe in yesterday
Days Till I leave Pacifica, CA to go to Saint Petersburg, FL: 26 Days
I just realized how I haven't written in nearly a month! I haven't fallen off the face of the Earth, I promise!
With Finals, and my first two weeks of winter break done, I thought I'd fill all of you in on the interesting world of being back home. I first saw Brennen the day after my flight home for a quick meal at a local restaurant we used to frequent. I had been dreading this day for a while, not sure how I was going to handle facing him for the first time since the incident (which I remind you, was nearly 3 months ago, because it was a few days after our last visit). To an extent, I was right, because when I first saw him, hurt came crashing over me, and it did practically ruin the night. I was shy, and not sure how to handle my emotions. That night I went running to my mother for advice, and she told me after a very long conversation about the situation that it was obvious that I still very much loved him, and that I shouldn't let the past ruin my present and future. I took her advice, and it was smooth sailing from there.
On our 7th month we exchange the rings in the spot (like I had said in my last blog) where we had first discussed marriage. His was a little too big, so he's ordering a smaller one (it's cheaper to buy a new ring than to resize that thing!) but he still wears it all the time, and as do I.
Of course, we have our fair share of bumps the last few weeks as well. It all started with a conversation on how we were raised and how each of us thought the way we were raised was better. I was more the nurturing, advice-giving, and supporting, and he was more strictness, discipline, and respect. It turned into a small tiff, and all I could keep thinking was "If you think we're going to raise our children like that...". It came with the sudden realization that, we've promised to spend the rest of our lives together, so we have to start paying attention to those types of things.
And you wouldn't believe it, but that's only the first on the list.
Our date tonight rain into two very large speed bumps, which brought the date to a screeching halt.
We had run into a group of kids from Brennen's now "old" church. As we walk away from the theater towards his car, I began asking why he left his church and if something was wrong. He told me that he was sick of having to defend me to the members of the church, which shocked me a bit, since I'm a somewhat devote christian myself. I asked him why his church still believed I was a non-believer and going to hell even though I go to church every Sunday. He then turned to me and said "Just because I hang out with you, does that mean we have a relationship?". I immediately was taken aback by his sudden attack on my comment, and out of nervous habit I began fiddling with my necklace... only to suddenly realize the very necklace I fiddle with is a very tarnished silver cross given to me years ago from my pastor around the same time she told me I would be an excellent Presbyterian Pastor.
Brennen noticed the difference in my demeanor and asked what was wrong. And all I could choke out was [referring to the incident] "Do you want to know what I did right after you told me? I went to church and prayed for an hour." I nearly broke out into tears right there, but it would have defeated the purpose of my praying that day since I had prayed for strength to overcome what had happened. I pulled myself together, and the night went on.
We stopped by the newly open cheesecake factory and considered getting a slice, but neither of us were particularly hungry, so I decided to call it a night, and we began to drive back to my house.
On the way there we discussed how he's a morning person, and I'm not. He told me I should get use to getting up early with him, and that it's the best feeling in the world to get up before the sun and do work.
I laughed, an told him there was no way I would do anything before the sun was up, unless my future boss told me to. I then told him how much fun I have being a night owl. Staying up writing, or researching, or even just getting lost into a really good book. What it was like to wake up at 3 am and suddenly have inspiration and scribbling down my next great play or screenplay (and soon short stories for my writing class!). He gave me a grimace, and the conversation died soon after (with some help from me diverting the conversation to my trip to Canada when I was younger. Brilliant piece of transition, if I do say so myself!)
But from then on, the conversations took a... well, let's just say they had a bit of a bite to them. Things like how I might have a fear of my own weight because I didn't care to weigh myself on a scale to see what I exactly weighed. To be honest, I don't care, but I know Brennen is very avid on healthy, athletic lifestyles, so I made a joking comment about how I loved being back in San Francisco because I missed health food, and that one doesn't realized how much health food we eat here until you move to The South.
He turned to me and said "Actually, I don't like being back. I can't work out here like I can in Santa Clara." I again recognized Brennen's affinity towards the athletic and suggested that next time he was home for an extended time, he should just get a free trial membership so he can avoid the costs, but still go to a gym. He then turned to my, with a very dark look in his eyes and said "Barbara, I get that you like to fix my problems." I tried to make a joke about how creative problem solving looks good on a resume, but he only continued with "Yeah, but not all problems need solving, and sometimes I just want to enjoy the fact I have problems, ok?"
....and something just broke. I squeaked out "So, really what you're saying is that you hate it here."
And that was the last sentence I said the rest of the car ride home. He was able to get a small smile out of me later, but later hurt my feelings more with "Come on! There must be something that bothers you about me!"
I didn't realize me trying to help was....bothersome.
I mean, sometimes his immaturity in public is embarrassing, but I was never say that to him like he said that to me... that's just mean. Also, his a teenage boy! That's to be expected!
I just wonder... and worry...
Will this of all things be more damaging to our relationship? I would hope not! I'm all for compromising, and this guy makes me happier than any person I know... but he also makes me sadder than anyone else could.
UGH! I thought we would be over having issues... but I guess one should worry if absolutely nothing was wrong with you're relationship.... is it bad I think that way?
Who knows! Who cares! I have a week to enjoy in the Happiest Place on Earth with some of my closest friends. Time to go into complete chill mode... and to go on the Indiana Jones ride.
I just realized how I haven't written in nearly a month! I haven't fallen off the face of the Earth, I promise!
With Finals, and my first two weeks of winter break done, I thought I'd fill all of you in on the interesting world of being back home. I first saw Brennen the day after my flight home for a quick meal at a local restaurant we used to frequent. I had been dreading this day for a while, not sure how I was going to handle facing him for the first time since the incident (which I remind you, was nearly 3 months ago, because it was a few days after our last visit). To an extent, I was right, because when I first saw him, hurt came crashing over me, and it did practically ruin the night. I was shy, and not sure how to handle my emotions. That night I went running to my mother for advice, and she told me after a very long conversation about the situation that it was obvious that I still very much loved him, and that I shouldn't let the past ruin my present and future. I took her advice, and it was smooth sailing from there.
On our 7th month we exchange the rings in the spot (like I had said in my last blog) where we had first discussed marriage. His was a little too big, so he's ordering a smaller one (it's cheaper to buy a new ring than to resize that thing!) but he still wears it all the time, and as do I.
Of course, we have our fair share of bumps the last few weeks as well. It all started with a conversation on how we were raised and how each of us thought the way we were raised was better. I was more the nurturing, advice-giving, and supporting, and he was more strictness, discipline, and respect. It turned into a small tiff, and all I could keep thinking was "If you think we're going to raise our children like that...". It came with the sudden realization that, we've promised to spend the rest of our lives together, so we have to start paying attention to those types of things.
And you wouldn't believe it, but that's only the first on the list.
Our date tonight rain into two very large speed bumps, which brought the date to a screeching halt.
We had run into a group of kids from Brennen's now "old" church. As we walk away from the theater towards his car, I began asking why he left his church and if something was wrong. He told me that he was sick of having to defend me to the members of the church, which shocked me a bit, since I'm a somewhat devote christian myself. I asked him why his church still believed I was a non-believer and going to hell even though I go to church every Sunday. He then turned to me and said "Just because I hang out with you, does that mean we have a relationship?". I immediately was taken aback by his sudden attack on my comment, and out of nervous habit I began fiddling with my necklace... only to suddenly realize the very necklace I fiddle with is a very tarnished silver cross given to me years ago from my pastor around the same time she told me I would be an excellent Presbyterian Pastor.
Brennen noticed the difference in my demeanor and asked what was wrong. And all I could choke out was [referring to the incident] "Do you want to know what I did right after you told me? I went to church and prayed for an hour." I nearly broke out into tears right there, but it would have defeated the purpose of my praying that day since I had prayed for strength to overcome what had happened. I pulled myself together, and the night went on.
We stopped by the newly open cheesecake factory and considered getting a slice, but neither of us were particularly hungry, so I decided to call it a night, and we began to drive back to my house.
On the way there we discussed how he's a morning person, and I'm not. He told me I should get use to getting up early with him, and that it's the best feeling in the world to get up before the sun and do work.
I laughed, an told him there was no way I would do anything before the sun was up, unless my future boss told me to. I then told him how much fun I have being a night owl. Staying up writing, or researching, or even just getting lost into a really good book. What it was like to wake up at 3 am and suddenly have inspiration and scribbling down my next great play or screenplay (and soon short stories for my writing class!). He gave me a grimace, and the conversation died soon after (with some help from me diverting the conversation to my trip to Canada when I was younger. Brilliant piece of transition, if I do say so myself!)
But from then on, the conversations took a... well, let's just say they had a bit of a bite to them. Things like how I might have a fear of my own weight because I didn't care to weigh myself on a scale to see what I exactly weighed. To be honest, I don't care, but I know Brennen is very avid on healthy, athletic lifestyles, so I made a joking comment about how I loved being back in San Francisco because I missed health food, and that one doesn't realized how much health food we eat here until you move to The South.
He turned to me and said "Actually, I don't like being back. I can't work out here like I can in Santa Clara." I again recognized Brennen's affinity towards the athletic and suggested that next time he was home for an extended time, he should just get a free trial membership so he can avoid the costs, but still go to a gym. He then turned to my, with a very dark look in his eyes and said "Barbara, I get that you like to fix my problems." I tried to make a joke about how creative problem solving looks good on a resume, but he only continued with "Yeah, but not all problems need solving, and sometimes I just want to enjoy the fact I have problems, ok?"
....and something just broke. I squeaked out "So, really what you're saying is that you hate it here."
And that was the last sentence I said the rest of the car ride home. He was able to get a small smile out of me later, but later hurt my feelings more with "Come on! There must be something that bothers you about me!"
I didn't realize me trying to help was....bothersome.
I mean, sometimes his immaturity in public is embarrassing, but I was never say that to him like he said that to me... that's just mean. Also, his a teenage boy! That's to be expected!
I just wonder... and worry...
Will this of all things be more damaging to our relationship? I would hope not! I'm all for compromising, and this guy makes me happier than any person I know... but he also makes me sadder than anyone else could.
UGH! I thought we would be over having issues... but I guess one should worry if absolutely nothing was wrong with you're relationship.... is it bad I think that way?
Who knows! Who cares! I have a week to enjoy in the Happiest Place on Earth with some of my closest friends. Time to go into complete chill mode... and to go on the Indiana Jones ride.
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