I just realized how I haven't written in nearly a month! I haven't fallen off the face of the Earth, I promise!
With Finals, and my first two weeks of winter break done, I thought I'd fill all of you in on the interesting world of being back home. I first saw Brennen the day after my flight home for a quick meal at a local restaurant we used to frequent. I had been dreading this day for a while, not sure how I was going to handle facing him for the first time since the incident (which I remind you, was nearly 3 months ago, because it was a few days after our last visit). To an extent, I was right, because when I first saw him, hurt came crashing over me, and it did practically ruin the night. I was shy, and not sure how to handle my emotions. That night I went running to my mother for advice, and she told me after a very long conversation about the situation that it was obvious that I still very much loved him, and that I shouldn't let the past ruin my present and future. I took her advice, and it was smooth sailing from there.
On our 7th month we exchange the rings in the spot (like I had said in my last blog) where we had first discussed marriage. His was a little too big, so he's ordering a smaller one (it's cheaper to buy a new ring than to resize that thing!) but he still wears it all the time, and as do I.
Of course, we have our fair share of bumps the last few weeks as well. It all started with a conversation on how we were raised and how each of us thought the way we were raised was better. I was more the nurturing, advice-giving, and supporting, and he was more strictness, discipline, and respect. It turned into a small tiff, and all I could keep thinking was "If you think we're going to raise our children like that...". It came with the sudden realization that, we've promised to spend the rest of our lives together, so we have to start paying attention to those types of things.
And you wouldn't believe it, but that's only the first on the list.
Our date tonight rain into two very large speed bumps, which brought the date to a screeching halt.
We had run into a group of kids from Brennen's now "old" church. As we walk away from the theater towards his car, I began asking why he left his church and if something was wrong. He told me that he was sick of having to defend me to the members of the church, which shocked me a bit, since I'm a somewhat devote christian myself. I asked him why his church still believed I was a non-believer and going to hell even though I go to church every Sunday. He then turned to me and said "Just because I hang out with you, does that mean we have a relationship?". I immediately was taken aback by his sudden attack on my comment, and out of nervous habit I began fiddling with my necklace... only to suddenly realize the very necklace I fiddle with is a very tarnished silver cross given to me years ago from my pastor around the same time she told me I would be an excellent Presbyterian Pastor.
Brennen noticed the difference in my demeanor and asked what was wrong. And all I could choke out was [referring to the incident] "Do you want to know what I did right after you told me? I went to church and prayed for an hour." I nearly broke out into tears right there, but it would have defeated the purpose of my praying that day since I had prayed for strength to overcome what had happened. I pulled myself together, and the night went on.
We stopped by the newly open cheesecake factory and considered getting a slice, but neither of us were particularly hungry, so I decided to call it a night, and we began to drive back to my house.
On the way there we discussed how he's a morning person, and I'm not. He told me I should get use to getting up early with him, and that it's the best feeling in the world to get up before the sun and do work.
I laughed, an told him there was no way I would do anything before the sun was up, unless my future boss told me to. I then told him how much fun I have being a night owl. Staying up writing, or researching, or even just getting lost into a really good book. What it was like to wake up at 3 am and suddenly have inspiration and scribbling down my next great play or screenplay (and soon short stories for my writing class!). He gave me a grimace, and the conversation died soon after (with some help from me diverting the conversation to my trip to Canada when I was younger. Brilliant piece of transition, if I do say so myself!)
But from then on, the conversations took a... well, let's just say they had a bit of a bite to them. Things like how I might have a fear of my own weight because I didn't care to weigh myself on a scale to see what I exactly weighed. To be honest, I don't care, but I know Brennen is very avid on healthy, athletic lifestyles, so I made a joking comment about how I loved being back in San Francisco because I missed health food, and that one doesn't realized how much health food we eat here until you move to The South.
He turned to me and said "Actually, I don't like being back. I can't work out here like I can in Santa Clara." I again recognized Brennen's affinity towards the athletic and suggested that next time he was home for an extended time, he should just get a free trial membership so he can avoid the costs, but still go to a gym. He then turned to my, with a very dark look in his eyes and said "Barbara, I get that you like to fix my problems." I tried to make a joke about how creative problem solving looks good on a resume, but he only continued with "Yeah, but not all problems need solving, and sometimes I just want to enjoy the fact I have problems, ok?"
....and something just broke. I squeaked out "So, really what you're saying is that you hate it here."
And that was the last sentence I said the rest of the car ride home. He was able to get a small smile out of me later, but later hurt my feelings more with "Come on! There must be something that bothers you about me!"
I didn't realize me trying to help was....bothersome.
I mean, sometimes his immaturity in public is embarrassing, but I was never say that to him like he said that to me... that's just mean. Also, his a teenage boy! That's to be expected!
I just wonder... and worry...
Will this of all things be more damaging to our relationship? I would hope not! I'm all for compromising, and this guy makes me happier than any person I know... but he also makes me sadder than anyone else could.
UGH! I thought we would be over having issues... but I guess one should worry if absolutely nothing was wrong with you're relationship.... is it bad I think that way?
Who knows! Who cares! I have a week to enjoy in the Happiest Place on Earth with some of my closest friends. Time to go into complete chill mode... and to go on the Indiana Jones ride.
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