"Never thought we'd have our last kiss..."

"Never thought we'd end like this...
You're name, forever the one on my lips...

-Taylor Swift "Last Kiss"

This will be my last blog, seeing as Brennen broke up with me last night. I had spent the entire day getting ready for our 8th month, where we were planning to go to Ghirdelli Square in the San Francisco. Later that day he texts me telling me not to dress up, and that he wanted to talk in the car before our date. I was a little weirded out, because I knew "talking in the car" meant that he had something he needed to tell me. That's where we usually discuss our relationship and stuff. I racked my brain for things I could have done wrong recently, and I couldn't think of anything. As it got closer and closer to seven, I got more and more nervous.. I must have done and redone my makeup a bunch of times. Finally, I heard a knock on the door. I made a few jokes in the house, grabbed my glasses and phone, and ran out the door. I hadn't realized it had started raining again, and I said "Oh! I should get an umbrella!" and brennen turned to me and said "Don't worry, it won't take that long" I was a little confused with the statement, but being still in denial, I decided it was because we wouldn't be outside long... or the rain was going to stop...
We got in the car, and I put my seat belt on, and gave Brennen a smile. He sighed, and asked me if I could ever get over my fear of heights and people disliking me. I gave him a weird look, and said "No.... it's a part of my personality?". He sighed again, and said "I... I... I want to break up."

I was shocked beyond belief. Here I was expecting a romantic date in the city, and how I had all of these things to tell him... just earlier today I was thinking about our wedding.... and how I wanted to ask him if we had to wait 9 years, because I wasn't sure if I wanted to make my mother wait that long. I was also so glad we were getting so close to our 1 year.... I was going to be so happy, I was so.... proud.
Stupid things, stupid little things....

I gave him back my promise ring, and asked why after all I had done for him, forgiven him about the cheating. The only thing he said back was "This isn't about the cheating"

I couldn't take it anymore. I got out of the car, choked out "I still love you", slammed the car door and ran sobbing to my front door, where I collapsed on the floor crying for an hour. I stopped to change my facebook status, knowing that I couldn't change his mind, and that I didn't want to. I had obviously lost him months ago when he cheated. If he was happy in our relationship, and he was happy being long distance. But he's been gone, and it kills me inside.

So many things have gone through my head. I threw away all his love letters, his Christmas present, and then hid his prom picture, and any other small gifts, like bracelets, tea mugs.... Then I deleted all of the pictures of him in my phone, dating back to the day he gave my the carved tree with the words "May our love grow forever".
Bull. Shit. Because according to him.... I'm not marriage material.
It all feels like a lie... like some big ruse... so many broken promises..... why even buy me a ring?

I have so many things I wish I could have said. Like the fact that the first time we had sex... my first time, I wasn't even ready, I just did it because... well, I thought it would strengthen our relationship. Now I just regret it entirely, I should have saved it for someone special.

I'm just so... burnt right now. I spent the entire night staring at my ceiling wondering what I would do. I thought about converting to the catholic religion and becoming a nun.... I thought of my trip to Honduras this spring, and how I could do something stupid on purpose and get myself shot.... or fall off the cliff at Linda Mar Beach.... then I decided I was going to be a cat lady. I already have one cat... what's stopping me from getting 19 more? I don't want to love again.... I get burnt by sweet guys who turn into assholes every single time. My first boyfriend was nice, then broke up with my on our 6th month because he failed his drivers test. My second boyfriend... I dated him for 2 years and 7 months.... became a bisexual bipolar and he told me I had no redeeming qualities whatsoever because I asked him if he wanted to take a break to explore his sexuality. I dated a rich guy who showered me with gifts and affection.... he's probably the only guy who came out the sweetest, because he understood my problems and was willing to wait and let me breathe. And now Brennen... a sweet gentleman with.... I guess a roving eye and a hidden rudeness that could shock anyone.
I can't be really mean to Bren... because for all of the hatred, I could never be mean, because as I said that night, I still love him. And even though he told me straight up that he doesn't love me "that way" (which sounded vaguely similar to my Dad's reasons for getting a divorce... actually, scratch that, that's exactly why my dad decided he wanted to get a divorce)

I wonder who she is. Because she's a lucky girl...she's gotta have something so special to ruin what we had. To be able to catch his eye.... sometimes I wish I could know the real reason why he left, but it wouldn't make me feel better at all, just worse... so much worse...

Well, LFADers, this is goodbye. This is my last post, the final chapter to a romance never meant to be. The popular jock and the Theatre nerd... The Prince charming who was with the wrong princess.

"Summer romances end for all kinds of reasons. But when all is said and done, they have one thing in common: They are shooting stars-a spectacular moment of light in the heavens, a fleeting glimpse of eternity. And in a flash, they're gone."

-The Notebook