My Choice is Made...

Terms and Rules of Commitment

Prelude: In this list, at times I may seem too "angry”. Well, you can't say a single thing about me being a bitch, because YOU did this to me. You made me this. Don't like it? Shouldn't have cheated. Deal with it.

Rules:.

You MUST tell your parents.

Never drink. Ever. If you have no self-control while sober, I can imagine you screwing every girl that opens her legs.

Get more guy friends.

You will never see that girl again. NEVER speak to her again. Never even look at that home-wrecking slut again. Ever.

You cannot say ANYTHING about my guyfriends. Be that jealous type all you want. But, you're also the cheating type. At least I actually have someone out there I DO need to be jealous of. You bring up how I hang out with Greg or Geoff too much; I'll bring up how you're a cheating scumbag. Catch my drift?

As a rule, all friends must learn of my existence within 2-3 days of meeting their acquaintance. With pretty girls, that becomes 2-3 minutes.

You will restrict your time with your girlfriends. I DO NOT care that you "like girls better", I care that I have a small grain of respect for our relationship.

You lie to me ONCE, about anything, and you are GONE. How am I to know you aren't lying about other things? I do not trust you.

In the FAR, FAR future, all sexual encounters must be with a condom. And you will get tested.

I have the right to drop the relationship at any given time. If I get ANY inkling you even looked a girl funny, you are gone. No excuses.

Terms:

I would not be able to say "I love you" for a very, very long time. You lost that affection when you threw my heart out a window.

That also means no sex. Hell, for all I know you got a STD from this chick. You lost my trust in anything, and my affections are NOT something I freely give away (unlike some home-wrecking sluts...)

I do NOT like Nora. AT ALL. Remember that. Nor will I ever like this girl. I will punch her just as hard as I wanted to punch you that first day. I abhor their presence in your life.

All of my friends hate you, as well as my family. You may say you "only care about my opinion." Well, I care about theirs. You better kiss the ground they walk on, or a few of them will go through with their threat of beating you to a pulp.

Don't you DARE say you were "thinking of me the whole time" You sound like even more of a douchebag. If you had been thinking of me, you wouldn't have boned that girl. You forgot about me, or at least made a strong attempt to. I know that. I will never forget that.

I will not trust you, I do not trust you, and I may never trust you ever again. Trust is like glass. You drop it once; it shatters into a billion pieces. You can pick up the pieces and try and glue them back together, but it’ll never look or feel the way it did.

I will no longer feel any guilt when a guy tries to flirt with me. At least I can control myself around them.

Every moment of everyday you will have to prove to me that I did not make a stupid mistake staying with you. One wrong move by you and I am gone. Forever. No chance of parole.

General Commentary:

I amend my past statements about our engagement. If you were to ask me right now, you would very quickly get a NO. I refuse to shackle myself to a person who cannot even try to stay committed to a girl he JUST saw days before.

I cannot stress enough how much pain and heartache you caused me. You will never understand how many time I broke down in tears, or how in between those moments I FELT NOTHING AT ALL. How many times I tried to find a way to get rid of this pain, but never could. My innocence is gone, and it's your fault. I hope that this weighs on your conscious forever.

My self-worth and esteem was solely based on you. You made me feel beautiful, smart and funny. Now I feel the EXACT opposite. You might not be able to fix this, but you damn well better try.

You love me? Prove it. Because as soon as you put your dick into that home-wrecking bitch, you told me otherwise.

Our relationship is, in a way, back at square one. All affections must be worked up to, and you still have to try. I do not want to be taken for granted after making such a hard decision. You will earn my forgiveness.

Our relationship will NEVER be the same. No matter what. You should have said no.

People tell me I can find someone else "so much better". Your job? Prove them wrong.

What I agree to:

I agree that what we had was something to work for and keep. You cheated, yes, but part of me still lies in you. Yes, I can walk away at any time, and I won’t feel any regrets because I have VERY VERY good reasons to leave. But I am not done with you quite yet. There is hope we can move on from this, and I hope we can, but the ball is in your court. Do it again, you’re gone. Don’t do it again? Someday we might be able to live out those plans we made that Sunday night over fall break… remember those? Because I know I do.

Maybe this seems so official, maybe it’s scary, and seems difficult. But if you’re willing to put in 20000%, then I can too. If not, then tell me now before we go any further. There's a light at the end of this tunnel, and one day, we'll reach it.

The longest week of my life

Well, it's only been a few days, and I swear to God my mind has changed 10,000 times.

Brennen now has texted me everyday telling me exactly what he's doing at all times. I broke my rule against texting him back last night, and I only made myself feel bad.

The first night I made an entire lap around my school campus. While it might not be that big, it was still painful, just for different reasons. After few feet I would collapse to my feet crying, and when I finally got up, I would feel absolutely nothing at all. At every turn there was a cute couple having a moment, and it just made me sick. I finally ended up on the bleachers of our school field, where I spent a few hours contemplating everything from jumping into the nearby ocean and never coming back up, to sleeping with one of my guyfriends for revenge, to breaking my cardinal rule and drinking for the first time... and just keep drinking until I could forget my heartache. I went through with none of them, but the drinking looks better and better each passing day.

Everywhere I go I'm reminded of him. I nearly broke down in the middle of a Party City store just because Katy Perry's "Firework" (a song I always associated with him) was playing. I walk into a goodwill store and saw wedding dresses, and I seriously wanted to jump out the nearest window.

I feel like in my last blog I was so pissed off I just made everything sound horrible... which it is, but in a different sense.

I have no reason why he would ever do this to me, and for a matter of fact, he had no reason as well. I cannot wrap my mind around the sweetest boy I have ever meet taking my heart and ripping into the tiny shreds he did. And no, he wasn't faking it this entire time, he was sincere, and honest, reliable... until now.


The weirdest part is that he had a girl cheat on him in the past, and he's still angry and refuses to speak to her. Why would a guy that has first hand experience on what I'm currently feeling do anything like that?

Last night I went to a costume party for Halloween. For some reason, getting into that costume, and putting on the make-up... I suddenly felt like I was another person... I danced with guys, a few even tried to flirt with me, and the entire time I was thinking "Wow, this would never happen in real life... this is amazing" It was a bit of a confidence boost. But, as soon as I got back to my room, all of the heartache came flushing back. I feel so bad for my roomate, I haven't done laundry, I no longer make my bed, and she was there when I found out. I stay out of my room most of the time now because for some reason I cannot look her in the face. Even now as I'm typing this, I'm back out on Kappa field on the Bleachers, just like I was two nights ago. The cold air feels nice, it's a little reminder that this isn't a crazy dream, and that I still can feel something.

I know it hasn't been the week I said I would take to figure out what I want to do, but my mind is already made up on how I'm going to handle this situation. So many people want me to break up with him, and others just tell me to do what makes me happy. And I finally know what that is.


Brennen, I know you read this blog. You'll find out when you find out. Go back to studying for Chemistry or whatever.


I've made peace with my situation and with my God, and what my heart wants me to do.

Don't worry, LFADers, I'll tell you soon as well. I hope you can support me no matter what, because you guys are really great, and I don't want to lose a single one of you.

Thank you for all your kind words and support during this time.

It all feels... just wrong.

I just found out about 8 hours ago that last night, Brennen cheated on me.

I don't think I've ever felt this wronged in my entire life! And by someone I gave my heart, my love, my affection, hell my virginity to!

He said a "girl" (won't tell me her name... probably better for her, because that BITCH would be a DEAD SLUT!!!!) called him last night asking for a ride home, so he kindly obliged. Suddenly, however, they ended up in her room, and they had sex.
But don't worry guys! He was thinking of me the entire time!
Fuck. Fuck, Shit, Crap, Holy Hell Mother of God.

This guy, who was the one for me just ruined our ENTIRE RELATIONSHIP! A LDR should be based on trust, because you can't know where your partner is at all times of the day, you just have to trust them to be faithful.
The guy, who just on SUNDAY said goodbye to me from a wonderful weekend of love and planning our futures together on WEDNESDAY trashes the entire thing... and we were talking about getting married, living together....

I always grew up with my mom anecdote that "Once a Cheater, always a cheater", and besides her encounters with it, I know many other relationships with others that have proven this true as well. How do I know he won't do it again? How can I even trust him?

Yes, sure, he told me outright, on the phone, and never lied to me once.
But, sweet jesus Brennen, YOU CHEATED ON ME! I would rather a white lie any day over having some other skank in bed with you.

...and How can I marry a man who's cheated? Being in a committed relationship means being faithful every moment of everyday, not just when one feels like it. By doing this, he ruined the sanctity of our wedding before it has even happened.
"To have and to hold, in sickness and in health, for richer or for poorer, and I promise my love to you.." isn't just a suggestion, it's a contract, a promise... and I can't imagine a man who's cheated once to be able to say these words truthfully.


Maybe I'm just being paranoid, but don't I have the right to be? Just days after leaving my bed, he jumps into another's.. I feel so incrediably betrayed.

I LOVE HIM! And he has just proven that this doesn't matter to him.... he thought of me the entire time he was screwing this other girl, and he never stopped once and thought "I wonder how this will affect our relationship..." or ANYTHING. He should have said no... he's done that before with that filthy home-wrecker that tried to seduce him before... I guess she just wasn't up to standards.

I guess I'm not either.


Why wasn't I good enough for him? Am I not good enough at sex? Am I not pretty enough? Sexy enough? What did this girl have that I didn't?

I'm obviously not enough for him... I guess in the back of my mind, I've always known that. The Waterpolo player falling in love with the theatre nerd? I guess that kind of thing never happens... He settled for me... and I know out there, there are probably hundreds of girls vying for his attentions that are immensely better all around than me.

Fairy Tales don't exist. Prince Charmings don't fall from the sky and find the damsel in distress and save her from the horrible world.

Never tell your children these stories, it will only hurt them later on. I know... because all this time I've been the hopeless romantic waiting for Mr. Perfect... and nobody's perfect.



...and here I am. crying again. I guess I should stop now, I feel like a ranting ass.... just need to get it out of my system.

If I don't write again in another week, assume I've left the site. I love you all, and thanks for the brilliant advice the last 5 months, we wouldn't have survived this far without you.

The Greatest and Shortest Weekend

Days till I see him next: 51 Days
Days in a LDR: 2 Months, 14 days

Well, this weekend was absolutely amazing. I write to you safely from my dorm room looking back at this whirlwind of a vacation. I left Friday afternoon, and was picked up by Brennen in San Francisco. Now, I had been planning on a more *ahem* "romantic" first night together, but I was so wiped out, we just played catch up on our bed most of the night.
The next morning was a bit more... eventful, to say the least. I have to say taking a shower together was a fun experience, even if we were just showering (get your minds out of the gutter!). It was like we started right where we left off, just as intimate, maybe even more intimate than during our summer. After that, I dragged him to see his old school and my old theatre to say hi, then to my brother's house, then to my school then to my good friend's house for some intense hanging out. He was a doll the entire time, it made me super proud to tot him around.
Then the next day, he got up with me and went to my church. I was hoping I would see my Minister Penny, whom Brennen would LOVE, but she was on a vacation as well and had another minister come in. EVERYONE in my church loved him. I had several women tell me he's "super cute" and a couple of men say he was a "gentleman". Now, if only if I could make Brennen love my church as much as they love him... He'll have to deal with the fact that when we get married, I plan on having my Minister do the honors, because I couldn't imagine a single other soul doing it. And many of the members would be attending! (But... more on that to come...)
After that, we hung out with my Best Friend and cooked, had dinner with my other Brother, his girlfriend and my parents, then had (FINALLY) sometime to ourselves.
We decided to recreate one of my more favorite dates and take the beach path along our town beach and sat down on the exact bench where he told me, someday, he plans on marrying me.
We talked about everything under the moon. From his encounter with that girl **coughcoughslutwhorecoughcough** he calls his friend. (I told him that if I ever saw her, I might punch her in the face), to our views on how we fell for each other. (FUN FACT!: The entire time I thought it was sheer luck that I ran into him at the fashion show dinner, when in fact, he had sought me out! That adds a whole new spin) and how he plans on writing them down in the same book I gave him for his birthday. And finally, of course, the topic of marriage came up again, and again, he was the one to bring it up! I'm still amazed by this...
Anyways, he told me how he had talked to his father (the same conversation I reference in a few blogs, I learn a new piece of it every time I talk to him about it.) and his dad asked him if was ready to get EVERYTHING ready for our marriage if we were to take that step. And by everything I mean life insurance, a job, a place to live, a ring, health insurance...anything you can possibly think of. And, seeing how this conversation was a month and a half after we started dating, of course he said no! But he added to our conversation that he still didn't have that stuff ready, and probably wouldn't for a while. "Anyways" he added "I would like for us to live together for a few years before we get married". 
Good idea in a CDR... but a LDR? Mind you, living together won't even be a possibility for about 7 more years... that's a terribly long wait... I'll be 25!!! That seems like so far into the future...
But, at the same time, it makes sense. 25 is a good age to be married, and he'll be out of the Navy, and I the Peace Corps.

I guess what throws me off is that I've already gone through doing basic wedding plans with Corey (my Ex Boyfriend/Fiancee/whatever the hell he was). And I was thinking I'd be married by now. (We were planning on being 18)
Being in that mindset, then having a totally different dynamic months later... well, I wouldn't say that was hidden baggage, but more along the lines of change in pace.
And it's one for the good, I think! If I can wait 3 months to kiss him, why can't I wait 7 years to marry him? I'll be a regular waity-katie!

...but that doesn't stop me from having my dress, color scheme, bridesmaids, and minister picked out, right? A girl's gotta dream!

Catching Up and Silly Regrets

Days in a LDR: Two Months, Two days
Days till I see Him next: 9 days

Well, for the first time ever, Brennen read my blog. After mentioning to him in a conversation over the phone that I occasionally "blog out" my feelings before I tell him made him very curious as to what I say in my posts. So, he sat down and read all of them, and sent me responses or explanations on things I mentions. Talk about awkward.... some many of the things I say here are not written for his eyes. not because I'm hiding things from him... just because it's my thought processes, and I tend to go on crazy rambles sometimes, and mention things that really should just stay up in my noggin. Most awkward ones being: The one where I describe my pregnancy scare (he knew it was a possibility, but he never knew how scared) the one where I described how I lied about a certain dream I had (I didn't want to jinx it from happening...) and ones where I mention him not talking to him.
He took it better than I thought he would, but it definitely made me second guess whether or not I was going to pick this up again. (Hence the long delay for a post)
The nice thing about this happening is that he was in contact with me the entire weekend...and a lot of things we hadn't discussed since we were CD came up in conversation. Like the fact he changed his mind about Pre-engagement rings. He now thinks it would be a good idea for us to get rings.
(Silently, and very surreptitiously, I am celebrating this) 
Now, if he's going to act upon this idea, who know.... we;ll have to see!
This conversation was brought by a larger one about marriage. He had mentioned our future together very casually, so casually that it almost seemed like he was saying "The Ocean is Blue". So, I called him on it, and he said... if everything goes right, he expects this to work.
Interesting....very interesting...
It doesn't help that he also sent me a video last night of a funny Marriage Proposal...where are these thoughts coming from?? Sometimes, I wish he had a blog I could spy on...
Other than a few messages here and there, the week has been it's usual bare communication. I'm actually getting use to not talking to him for entire days. I don't like that I'm getting use to it, but I am.
However, to pass the time, and to help me de-stress this hectic week, I decided to watch a mini series called "Lost in Austen". (HIGHLY recommend this mini series... beautiful, charming, and so Austen!)...and that got me in the romantic state of mind... my hopeless romantic side is making a comeback! Ah!! Imagining me as Miss Elizabeth Bennett, Brennen the ever-wondrous Fitzwilliam Darcy...
Sad part is, I mention to Brennen that it's based on Pride and Prejudice (the series) and he says "Oh! I haven't seen that yet"
Seen.
SEEN.
....it's a book??!! Somewhere, Jane is rolling in her grave...
Of course, he corrected himself after my small heart attack... and I told him he should try reading it... every guy should! At least get the version with zombies in it... anything!

The closer to me coming home, the bigger my expectations of what's to come get bigger... poor Brennen, he probably doesn't have anything planned for us. But he has to compete with Darcy 

Well, it's nearly one am! Tata for now!

Woah. Too many Emotions!

Days in a LDR: 1 Month, 21 days
Days till I see him Next: 19 days

I swear every weekend is a new adventure for us. I woke up Friday morning in a bad mood, which only got worse when I was handed a F in my favorite class. Lost in thought, I realized how, annoyingly, I start every conversation with Brennen... he never initiates with me. So, I decided to use my bad mood and see what would happen if I stopped "trying" to start conversations with him. Just for a day, to see when he would get back to me.
He didn't... for two whole days. And meanwhile he was posting pictures of him with all of his galpals. Knowing my nature, I slipped into paranoia, wondering what the heck was going on! Then suddenly, I get a text from him saying "Hello lover...where've you been?" to which (I admit) I said blandly "On campus.. why?". Which he replied "2 days... Not to be clingy, but I just haven't heard from you."

...I guess he always expected me to start the conversations? After that, he never took it for granted, and it's only Sunday now! He even planned a skype date for us! That's usually my job 
The interesting part of our conversations of the last two days is that they lightly touch upon deeper subjects, but we never went into detail... things like me browsing Tiffany's for fun (it's fun to pretend you can afford that stuff! Haha) to him naming something Clarence and why he likes that name... everything hints toward us talking about what I can only describe as "future stuff"

Not only that, he's read my sketchbook now at least 4 times.... every night before he goes to bed he reads a section. I'm still shocked!

And I'll end with another text from Brennen, vaguely reminiscent of one entry in my Sketchbook:

Me: You were thinking about me yesterday?
Brennen: Yes, an awful lot. You are so beautiful, your hand fits perfectly in mine. When we are together, holding hands never gets awkward, even if our hands get sweaty. I love holding your body close to mine, your warmth and mine. You make me feel. I can't wait to see you.

*swoon*