Changes in Latitude, Changes in Attitude.

Days in a LDR: 4 months.
Days till I see him next: A week.

Well, first i'd like to make a correction to my last post. I swear to God Brennen said "Mom" when he was talking about the NFL tickets, but in fact it was Nora.
Nora.
REALLY? I find this worse than his Mom making a "peace offering". What is this? A "I'm sorry I hit on you Boyfriend here's some good seats to an NFL game?"
Does this mean I get seat to a Broadway show from Stephanie?

Okay, I admit I have a very dark humor about this entire situation, but really? It won't change my feelings for her. I give her "credit" for attempting, but she'll have none of my respect.

Moving on...

My Father has decided to move out, when this will happen, I have no idea. So I have to play the idiot and be nice, because he's footing my college bill, and even before my acceptances he was threatening to not pay. And on top of that I'll have Brennen around the house....

Men. *shakes head*

I have no idea what's been up with me this week, but my feelings for Bren have turned angry again. I dislike talking to him (which is fine with me, because he's my #1 distraction, and it's finals week) and even though he sent me what I would usually think is an amazing love letter, I was unimpressed.
The worst is I have been rethinking "the fiasco" (as I so dearly call it). It's left me pretty morose. But no one knows. The one good thing about being an actress is that I can put on a show no problem. I'm sure everyone has forgotten about it about now. Except me. Not many people on campus knew about it in the first place, so it gets easier to cover up as the days gone on.

Interestingly enough, the other day I was asked if I was a virgin because "I act like one", not because of lack of knowledge, but the fact that I seem "too sweet" and I'm "modest about my dress". I guess I can pin my Neo-Victorian tenancies to this, but it did bring up an interesting thought in my head... should I have done it?
At this point, I wonder what would have happened if I hadn't... would this still have happened? Would it have been worse?
It brings to mind a speaker who use to come to my High School who talked about abstinence: Brad Henning. He was a firm believer that guys will do anything to get into bed with you, and once they've achieved that "goal", they move onto the next. When the thought came into my mind, all I could think was "Stephanie...Stephanie...". I've been good, I haven't cried, but goddamn if I didn't get close then.
I'm usually pretty strong, but this hit my one fragile place, and I'm alone in Florida, secretly putting together the pieces.

Freud said that girls will look for a Man who acts like their Father.... I wasn't expecting that they'd both be cheaters, the two most dear men in my life are untrustworthy scum.
But what can I do?
They're mine.

Keeping up with the Del Castellos

Days in a LDR: 3 months, 19 days
Days till I see him next: 18 days

It's been a while since my last post, but my goodness, if it hasn't been an eventful few days! A lot of ups and downs. I'll see if I can disperse them around evenly not to get anyone in a funk from the bad! Especially me!
Ok, let's try this backwards!


First, Nasty News: My Parents are getting a divorce because... of all irony he cheated. Of course, my Mom asked if he wanted to go to counseling, and he said "No, I don't love you anymore"
Ouch! I've known for years that this day was coming, but still, he didn't have to be like that.
Not sure how this will affect my relationship with Brennen, or how my Mother will view him... more on that to come.

Well, as of a few seconds ago, Brennen's mother offered me some pretty choice seats to a San Francisco 49r's game. Now, while I'm a baseball girl (GIANTS!!!) I could not for the life of me tell Brennen that I dislike football and probably would enjoy it (years of cheerleading make you hate it, I swear!). It was very nice of her to offer, so I graciously accepted, but also explained to Bren my thoughts on football as a warning.
Now, her motives are the one thing questionable about the whole thing. She told Brennen, who told me it was a peace offering because she thought I hated her. Now, Bren has been getting a never ending rain of ugly opinions on LDRs and how they ruin the "College Experience". To them, he should be randomly leaving with girls from parties and such and being crazy. While this has been happening our entire relationship, it bugs me now more than ever because I've made the realization that this could have been the thought that OK'd cheating on me. It puts questions into his mind like "Am I missing out?" or "Should this be the way I behave?".
So, to say the least, when I found out his grandfather told him he should marry this other girl because her Dad is a Naval Officer, I went a little overboard. It started with crying, eventually screaming, and a final "YOUR FAMILY NEEDS TO SUPPORT US, OR SHUT UP!"
I'm sure he told his parents my... *ahem* "Passionate" thoughts on their opinions, and I see these tickets as a "We're sorry we seem like we don't approve".

In other news: I have Brennen's Christmas Present picked out! I'm very excited. And moving on... (No, Brennen, I'm NOT going to tell you!!)

Me and Brennen had in interesting conversation over thanksgiving break which I would like to call a "fight" but he didn't really fight back, so it was more like me yelling at him. It started with another brilliant realization of mine (See? This is what happens when you leave me alone on a college campus, I start THINKING!) which was this: Why the hell is Bren grateful? What I meant, and still mean is that after the big fiasco, it was like he tried too hard to make us "normal" and instead, any form of romantic gestures got lost in the wood works. It was like I was doing all of the work, but because I'm not exactly one for romancing him right now... we were in a rut.
Eventually one day over break, I had been texting him for hours, and finally I said "Hey! Can we call each other? It would be easier." It was around 10ish, and unlike during school days, I wanted to get a full 12 hours! Also, this was the perfect time to discuss what I had been feeling. His response? "Yeah, I was about to watch a movie, how about in a few hours?".
And then, it happened, I snapped.
All I could think was "HE'S WATCHING A DVD IN THE LIVING ROOM INSTEAD OF TALKING TO ME, AND PLANS ON KEEPING ME UP UNTIL 12AM WAITING? WHAT AM I TO HIM????
I started throwing things, and blasting angry music, painted my nails deep red....anything to calm me down. It was almost like there was two of me. One was calm and saying "Barbara, don't worry hun! It's just a movie... call him tomorrow! It'll be fine!" and the other was like "BAR-BAR-AH SMASH BREN-NAN! RAAAWWWRRRR."
I soon texted him a long text starting with "Okay you're always telling me that I should speak my mind instead of contemplating the rational behind my emotions. So here I go: First off, F*** YOU. Secondly: something that has become apparent to me over the past few weeks is this: The moment you stop taking advantage of me and at least TRY to make this a good relationship is the moment when you start earning back my trust. Have fun with your movie. Good. F***ing. Night."
I'm not one to spout out emotions like that, but it really killed me to see how hard I was trying to forgive him, and how it seemed like I was just taken for granted. And I am NOT one you take for granted.

And amazingly enough, he agreed with me. I guess he had been trying to o a bunch of nice things, but all of them were unfinished because of laziness. Like a couple of unfinished care packages, and an idea to have flowers delivered to my dorm room. He apologized for his laziness, and then thanked me for telling him outright my problem. I guess several of his past girlfriends have broken up with him over that, but he never knows what's wrong until it's too late.
Interesting.

Anyways, the conversation cooled off from there. We ended up the next day sitting and talking for hours over the phone. And we finally picked out our promise/poesy rings. While I'm not getting them until winter break (on the 20th) it's good to pick them out when the prices are low for cyber Monday and such.
We're getting the same ring: http://www.limogesjewelry.com/custom.asp?productid=9079
Mine will say "Amor Vinict Omnia" which means "Love Conquers All"
It really struck a chord with me because not only has our relationship conquered distance, but the worst thing that could ever happen in a relationship: infidelity. If we can survive this, who's to say we can't get married? Even if we have to wait 9 years...
I guess that's what these rings are for!

Well, that's all for now! Off to cyber monday shop!

Inspiration Hit Me Like A Train On It's Tracks

I'm not that good of a poet... and I know that. But in some of my darkest times I still seem to go towards it. (It's true! Honestly... I have books and books of poetry dating back to Middle School of all my heartaches). For one of my classes we were asked to write a poem... and I came out with two. I ended up showing the more vague and nice one to my class... but I thought I should post the dark one some where... so here they both are in entirety:

A Woeful Day

A woeful day,
A day beget from a night of darkness.
How one wishes to forget!
But a memory like this is etched in stone,
only weathered by the waters of time,
slowly smoothing the stone
until none can read it.

A woeful day,
A day beget from spoken truth.
Should a truth like this be respected?
Should a tyrannical king be respected for holding the office?
His acts disregarded because they're explained?
His misdeeds cannot hide behind honesty,
they can only be what they are.

A woeful day,
A day beget from distance.
How one wishes to disappear!
Does distance make me less a person?
We are still connected,
a slice of one heart string has left me in pain,
yet, more strings exist,
and so I must stay holding on.

A woeful day,
A day beget from mindless sin.
Should loss of sanity be to blame?
Is it a crime for which one can plea such a thing?
No.
Never forget, never respect, never disappear, never blame.
Always love.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~***~~~~~~~~~~~~~

To my friend I exclaimed:
"Why are there so many choices?"
Do not worry, dear companion,
A choice is a path,
all to which have the same destination.
But, choose wisely.
If you make your heart agree with you head, all shall be right.

Sometimes it lasts in love, but sometimes it hurts instead...

Days in a LDR: 3 Months, 6 days
Days till I see him next: 1 Month

You know how the time flies
Only yesterday was the time of our lives
We were born and raised in a summer haze
Bound by the surprise of our glory days

-Adele "Someone Like You"

Interestingly enough, I guess I called Brennen "Corey" for the first time the other night. I was in the midst of explaining an embarrassing story of something that had happened to me that morning when I guess it quickly slipped out. Now, I have no recollection of this happening, I don't even remember what I exactly said, but Brennen quickly jumped on it.
To say the least, it ruin what seemed to be our first completely civil conversation... and it was my fault?

I'm completely weirded out by this. How, after 6 months of being without that jerk would I choose now to subconsciously spat out his name?
Hmm. So many questions...
It's almost an insult to call him "Corey" seeing how the guy ruined my Senior Prom, and told me I had "no redeeming qualities whatsoever". He also never grew out of a 15 year mentality, which is fine when you're 15, but when you're 18 and hanging out with 15 year olds still... something is wrong.
Did I make a connection between that dreadful relationship and me and Brennen's current situation? I hope not, because honestly, I do not want that same ending. I would like a happily ever after.

And on that point, I told him while I wanted a Promise Ring from him... and how much it would relieve my mind to have him walking around with a wedding band-like ring around his hand.... I couldn't do it.
A good point was brought up on here that the ring could be tainted by these sour memories... and also, I would rather get them in person, something that would be possible in a month. I want it to be a big deal! Something I'd get prettied up from...something romantic, and sweet... and almost brings a tear to your eyes because of how amazing you feel.

I was thinking we could go to the place where we first talked about getting married, which is a specific bench at my Hometown's beach. And we could make promises! Kind of like vows... I would guess, but much more simple, and less.... well, wedding-like! Something along the lines of: "I promise to be faithful to you, to never take you for granted, to love you with all that I am, and all that I could be" 


We also discussed my last blog. I guess a lot of what I said didn't make sense to him... my favorite line being "If you want me to stand up every time you get up from the table.... I'll do it... but I don't get it." 

Point<------ over here |  over here -------> how far he missed that point


What the whole argument was about was how badly I wanted to be romanced! But oh well... I won't push it! Eventually that will get into his head... somehow I will get that back! This is a time when he should be working his ass off to win back my affections, and so far... not feeling it. Do I not earn such behavior? If he was so happy I forgave him.. why not show me?
Also... one interesting point came up in conversation about how I described my "bottled" emotions last post:

Brennen: It sounds like you have this notion of how things should be after your man cheats. And you are hiding behind that notion. I don't mean to criticize, but it sounds like you're saying what you should say.

Annnddd.... wait for it...... *zing* *SPLAT*. Ouch... let me just pull this dagger out of my chest.... no biggie....

Of course, I quickly responded with something along the lines of "If I was following what I believed about cheating, I would have dumped your ass. End of story."

One thing about LDRs... you can't HIT them when you feel like it. I always found I was better with the pen rather than the sword, but that was a moment would I could have easily clocked him across the face.

And we talked it out.... and now I feel better, of course. But it dumbfounds me how he thinks I'm putting on a show, and that the reason I don't say "I l**e you" (nope, I can't even get myself to type it.) is, from what I can tell, is because I'm "teaching him a lesson".
OH HELLLLLLLLL NO! *Snaps fingers in a Z formation*.

That is SO wrong on SO many levels. I am working my butt off to get past this and work towards a happy relationship.... and if he thinks I'm just "doing this"...... RAWWWWWWWRRRRRRRRR!
Yeah, still could punch him. Hard enough to break a nose.


....I don't even think I could punch that hard.... but oh well! Worth a try!!


It'll be interesting when I see him in a month, I can't decide what'll happen.... I keep picturing this movie-like scene, with me running towards him at the airport.... and slapping him as hard as possible on the face.... and then giving him a hug, of course. I also imagine calling him a "manwhore".

Oh so conflicted.... well... 30 days to go! We'll see what happens 

"I know what you're friends say
'He's just wasting your loving time'
I will never let you change your mind
No need to cry about it, I cannot live without it
Every time, I wind up back at your door
Why do you do this to me?
You penetrate right through me every time I wind up back at your door"

- Maroon 5 "Back At Your Door"

Prejudice, Paranoia, and Poesy Rings

Days in a LDR: 3 Months, 3 Days.


It's been a while since I've written on my blog. I guess because compared to my last few entries, my life has been relatively boring. However, I wouldn't say it wasn't without it's own events. 

First off, I should reiterate the fact that Paranoia is no fun. Every time Brennen texts me, or gives me a call, all I can imagine it "I did it again, I'm sorry" or "Barbara, I know why I did it, and it's because Stephanie is better for me". And while this is not the case ever, the thoughts always linger in my head with the start of every conversation. I always take his word with a grain of salt, which I don't think he realizes. It's getting better, however, because I can officially say that for the first time tonight I actually missed him. I wanted to sit and chat with him, hold his hand... small affections, but affections nonetheless.
My good guyfriend Greg had brought up the point yesterday that it almost seemed like I didn't care for Brennen at all, because I no longer showed any passionate emotion towards him, not ever anger. I hadn't realized how much I had bottled my emotions. I'm prone to do that, and it's never come out healthy. It always ends in some form of explosion. So, I'm allowing myself to emote. I know, I know, it sounds weird... but it actually helps. Why would I put myself through all this horrible torture if I didn't care for Brennen with all my heart? I can't say I love him, that's just silly in a position like mine, but he still has some of me, and I him.

Which gives me a perfect transition to my next event. Brennen has decided that we need "Promise Rings", which for us would be poesy rings, which are simple bands with poetic descriptions of affection etched within the ring. This came to a shock to me, because as you would plainly see in some of my past blogs, he did not believe in pre-engagement. It's been a gradual thing he's been warming up to, but with the latest string of events, I guess he feels something like that could help us.
What the poor boy doesn't know is how conflicted I am over picking out these rings! I have wanted a promise ring as long as I've had boyfriends (so... 5 years now? Wow, make me feel young...). But I didn't really want this to be the reason why I got it! I wanted romance... a man who gave his whole heart to me, and as a symbol of this, would hand me a ring, with the promise to be faithful and loving and passionate for as long as the ring stayed on my finger.
Two blogs ago I made a very, very dark comment about fairy tales and how Prince Charmings don't exist. What I didn't say was that my whole existence has been created from the heart of a hopeless romantic. I love wearing fancy clothes, reading romance novels, keeping perfect etiquette, acting out on a stage. Every single bit of me is this little "Princess" trying to find her "Prince".

I guess this is why I love the Victorians so much. Tonight, instead of going out, I decided to stay in my room and watch "Kate and Leopold", and every single moment of that movie, I wanted my very old Leopold. I wanted someone who would sit down with a Quill and write eloquent letters requesting my attendance for a private dinner. I wanted someone who would rise politely when I arrived and departed from the table. I wanted a man who would lead me in a waltz on a rooftop to the sound of a single violinist. I want to be courted, not hit on.
If there was a time machine, even if according to recent science it could only go one direction, I would go back to the Victorian times. Yes, I know they had shorter lifespans, and the world was grimy, and lacking in some forms of intelligence. But, really, I'm sure the Victorians would agree that they have the better time period.

Or, another valid point: Why can't men be like Victorian Gentleman? We have screwed up in allowing men to be such the slobs they are today. Where did it all go? What made it ok to be rude, to be uncaring? Who thought it would ever be appropriate to create the one night stand?

And who thought it would be appropriate to cheat.

*Sigh*, someday.... the world will give me that moment. That brief shining moment where I can be that girl in a fairytale. I've never wanted anything more strongly than that.


Well... I guess this is why I stopped writing.... this is the first time I've shed a tear since that wretched Thursday. But this heartache is much, much older than that. I've been crying over missing Princes since Middle School...
Wow, that sounds so depressing, but I guess that's the sad truth of it all.

The Aftermath

Days in a LDR: 2 Months, 3 Weeks, 2 Days

The last few days have been an interesting one. Now that I've made my decision to stay with him and figure out what the hell happened, things have been taking a change of pace. We've had multiple long conversations on the phone until the wee hours of the morning, going over a lot of things. The first on the list was the full story of what happened.

Here's the digest version: He was a party with his Waterpolo team when an angry drunk gave him a few good hits for no reason at all. Brennen wigged out, and was trying to make a way out when STEPHANIE (yeap, I know her name now) a girl from his Chem class called asking for a ride back to her dorm since she was a little tipsy. Brennen took advantage of this, and made a break for it. Then, as he walked her to her door, she turned to him and said "Please don't leave me". He obliged her with his company until she got very horny.... and started coming onto him, super super strong Then, nest thing he knew, they were kissing on his bed. He flipped out, pushed her away. "I have a girlfriend! I can't do this!" he exclaimed! But, alas, his will was too weak, and next thing he new it was minutes later and they had just done the deed. That's when the guilt hit him. He at first got very angry, but eventually apologized to Stephanie for being an ass and sleeping with her, walked out of the room, and that's when he texted me.


Now, he's an honest boy, and to this day he hasn't lied to me, so I accept the story as true. It hurts me to hear the details, and now, almost like clockwork, every night right when I close my eyes I picture the whole scenario... from the crazy drunk, to the sex. The sex is the painful part, obviously... I would rather not picture him with another woman. But, that is the harsh reality of this situation, and I'm going to have to suck it up and deal with it if we're going to make this work.

Of course, that doesn't stop me from tearing up every once and a while still. It's only been a week. Like today I saw a picture of a scene from the notebook (Brennen's favorite movie) that we had reenacted once. It was a picture of the two main characters dancing in the middle of an intersection... and suddenly, I was down for the count, collapsed on the floor, sobbing, wondering where that part of our relationship went.
I mean, yeah it's still there.... but different, very different.

My mom texted me earlier informing me that Brennen had sent her a heartfelt apology for what he had done to me, and how he knows what a big part she plays in my life, and he hopes to gain back both of our trust as soon as he can.
Interesting... but it worked, my usually cold-hearted-towards-boyfriends mother seemed very moved by the letter.

I gave him a list of rules I expect him to follow along with my commentary on the whole situation. I pretty much told him to cut ties completely with this Stephanie (because the fact that they had talked about me in Chem class, and then during the situation leads me to believe she's a nasty home-wrecker), restrict the time he spends with girls, never drink, and tell his parents.
The commentary section included two very important things: I cannot say "I love you" and "One more mistake, any size, and I'm gone, I will not be marked an idiot for staying with you, so don't make me look like one."

The "I love you" thing is actually pretty interesting.... in an odd way. We've been saying those three little words for 4 outta the five months we've been together, and so I do admit it was a habit... a good one, but a habit nonetheless. And now I don't want it to be that. I can't say I love you to a man who proves himself unworthy of such words from my heart. The hopeless romantic inside of me screams "It is too sacred for such an unholy person!".
I wouldn't say I've taken back my heart from him.... but love without trust is impossible, so until he can fix that, I will not tell him those words...


He wants to be my Prince Charming.... but let's see if the shoe fits

My Choice is Made...

Terms and Rules of Commitment

Prelude: In this list, at times I may seem too "angry”. Well, you can't say a single thing about me being a bitch, because YOU did this to me. You made me this. Don't like it? Shouldn't have cheated. Deal with it.

Rules:.

You MUST tell your parents.

Never drink. Ever. If you have no self-control while sober, I can imagine you screwing every girl that opens her legs.

Get more guy friends.

You will never see that girl again. NEVER speak to her again. Never even look at that home-wrecking slut again. Ever.

You cannot say ANYTHING about my guyfriends. Be that jealous type all you want. But, you're also the cheating type. At least I actually have someone out there I DO need to be jealous of. You bring up how I hang out with Greg or Geoff too much; I'll bring up how you're a cheating scumbag. Catch my drift?

As a rule, all friends must learn of my existence within 2-3 days of meeting their acquaintance. With pretty girls, that becomes 2-3 minutes.

You will restrict your time with your girlfriends. I DO NOT care that you "like girls better", I care that I have a small grain of respect for our relationship.

You lie to me ONCE, about anything, and you are GONE. How am I to know you aren't lying about other things? I do not trust you.

In the FAR, FAR future, all sexual encounters must be with a condom. And you will get tested.

I have the right to drop the relationship at any given time. If I get ANY inkling you even looked a girl funny, you are gone. No excuses.

Terms:

I would not be able to say "I love you" for a very, very long time. You lost that affection when you threw my heart out a window.

That also means no sex. Hell, for all I know you got a STD from this chick. You lost my trust in anything, and my affections are NOT something I freely give away (unlike some home-wrecking sluts...)

I do NOT like Nora. AT ALL. Remember that. Nor will I ever like this girl. I will punch her just as hard as I wanted to punch you that first day. I abhor their presence in your life.

All of my friends hate you, as well as my family. You may say you "only care about my opinion." Well, I care about theirs. You better kiss the ground they walk on, or a few of them will go through with their threat of beating you to a pulp.

Don't you DARE say you were "thinking of me the whole time" You sound like even more of a douchebag. If you had been thinking of me, you wouldn't have boned that girl. You forgot about me, or at least made a strong attempt to. I know that. I will never forget that.

I will not trust you, I do not trust you, and I may never trust you ever again. Trust is like glass. You drop it once; it shatters into a billion pieces. You can pick up the pieces and try and glue them back together, but it’ll never look or feel the way it did.

I will no longer feel any guilt when a guy tries to flirt with me. At least I can control myself around them.

Every moment of everyday you will have to prove to me that I did not make a stupid mistake staying with you. One wrong move by you and I am gone. Forever. No chance of parole.

General Commentary:

I amend my past statements about our engagement. If you were to ask me right now, you would very quickly get a NO. I refuse to shackle myself to a person who cannot even try to stay committed to a girl he JUST saw days before.

I cannot stress enough how much pain and heartache you caused me. You will never understand how many time I broke down in tears, or how in between those moments I FELT NOTHING AT ALL. How many times I tried to find a way to get rid of this pain, but never could. My innocence is gone, and it's your fault. I hope that this weighs on your conscious forever.

My self-worth and esteem was solely based on you. You made me feel beautiful, smart and funny. Now I feel the EXACT opposite. You might not be able to fix this, but you damn well better try.

You love me? Prove it. Because as soon as you put your dick into that home-wrecking bitch, you told me otherwise.

Our relationship is, in a way, back at square one. All affections must be worked up to, and you still have to try. I do not want to be taken for granted after making such a hard decision. You will earn my forgiveness.

Our relationship will NEVER be the same. No matter what. You should have said no.

People tell me I can find someone else "so much better". Your job? Prove them wrong.

What I agree to:

I agree that what we had was something to work for and keep. You cheated, yes, but part of me still lies in you. Yes, I can walk away at any time, and I won’t feel any regrets because I have VERY VERY good reasons to leave. But I am not done with you quite yet. There is hope we can move on from this, and I hope we can, but the ball is in your court. Do it again, you’re gone. Don’t do it again? Someday we might be able to live out those plans we made that Sunday night over fall break… remember those? Because I know I do.

Maybe this seems so official, maybe it’s scary, and seems difficult. But if you’re willing to put in 20000%, then I can too. If not, then tell me now before we go any further. There's a light at the end of this tunnel, and one day, we'll reach it.

The longest week of my life

Well, it's only been a few days, and I swear to God my mind has changed 10,000 times.

Brennen now has texted me everyday telling me exactly what he's doing at all times. I broke my rule against texting him back last night, and I only made myself feel bad.

The first night I made an entire lap around my school campus. While it might not be that big, it was still painful, just for different reasons. After few feet I would collapse to my feet crying, and when I finally got up, I would feel absolutely nothing at all. At every turn there was a cute couple having a moment, and it just made me sick. I finally ended up on the bleachers of our school field, where I spent a few hours contemplating everything from jumping into the nearby ocean and never coming back up, to sleeping with one of my guyfriends for revenge, to breaking my cardinal rule and drinking for the first time... and just keep drinking until I could forget my heartache. I went through with none of them, but the drinking looks better and better each passing day.

Everywhere I go I'm reminded of him. I nearly broke down in the middle of a Party City store just because Katy Perry's "Firework" (a song I always associated with him) was playing. I walk into a goodwill store and saw wedding dresses, and I seriously wanted to jump out the nearest window.

I feel like in my last blog I was so pissed off I just made everything sound horrible... which it is, but in a different sense.

I have no reason why he would ever do this to me, and for a matter of fact, he had no reason as well. I cannot wrap my mind around the sweetest boy I have ever meet taking my heart and ripping into the tiny shreds he did. And no, he wasn't faking it this entire time, he was sincere, and honest, reliable... until now.


The weirdest part is that he had a girl cheat on him in the past, and he's still angry and refuses to speak to her. Why would a guy that has first hand experience on what I'm currently feeling do anything like that?

Last night I went to a costume party for Halloween. For some reason, getting into that costume, and putting on the make-up... I suddenly felt like I was another person... I danced with guys, a few even tried to flirt with me, and the entire time I was thinking "Wow, this would never happen in real life... this is amazing" It was a bit of a confidence boost. But, as soon as I got back to my room, all of the heartache came flushing back. I feel so bad for my roomate, I haven't done laundry, I no longer make my bed, and she was there when I found out. I stay out of my room most of the time now because for some reason I cannot look her in the face. Even now as I'm typing this, I'm back out on Kappa field on the Bleachers, just like I was two nights ago. The cold air feels nice, it's a little reminder that this isn't a crazy dream, and that I still can feel something.

I know it hasn't been the week I said I would take to figure out what I want to do, but my mind is already made up on how I'm going to handle this situation. So many people want me to break up with him, and others just tell me to do what makes me happy. And I finally know what that is.


Brennen, I know you read this blog. You'll find out when you find out. Go back to studying for Chemistry or whatever.


I've made peace with my situation and with my God, and what my heart wants me to do.

Don't worry, LFADers, I'll tell you soon as well. I hope you can support me no matter what, because you guys are really great, and I don't want to lose a single one of you.

Thank you for all your kind words and support during this time.

It all feels... just wrong.

I just found out about 8 hours ago that last night, Brennen cheated on me.

I don't think I've ever felt this wronged in my entire life! And by someone I gave my heart, my love, my affection, hell my virginity to!

He said a "girl" (won't tell me her name... probably better for her, because that BITCH would be a DEAD SLUT!!!!) called him last night asking for a ride home, so he kindly obliged. Suddenly, however, they ended up in her room, and they had sex.
But don't worry guys! He was thinking of me the entire time!
Fuck. Fuck, Shit, Crap, Holy Hell Mother of God.

This guy, who was the one for me just ruined our ENTIRE RELATIONSHIP! A LDR should be based on trust, because you can't know where your partner is at all times of the day, you just have to trust them to be faithful.
The guy, who just on SUNDAY said goodbye to me from a wonderful weekend of love and planning our futures together on WEDNESDAY trashes the entire thing... and we were talking about getting married, living together....

I always grew up with my mom anecdote that "Once a Cheater, always a cheater", and besides her encounters with it, I know many other relationships with others that have proven this true as well. How do I know he won't do it again? How can I even trust him?

Yes, sure, he told me outright, on the phone, and never lied to me once.
But, sweet jesus Brennen, YOU CHEATED ON ME! I would rather a white lie any day over having some other skank in bed with you.

...and How can I marry a man who's cheated? Being in a committed relationship means being faithful every moment of everyday, not just when one feels like it. By doing this, he ruined the sanctity of our wedding before it has even happened.
"To have and to hold, in sickness and in health, for richer or for poorer, and I promise my love to you.." isn't just a suggestion, it's a contract, a promise... and I can't imagine a man who's cheated once to be able to say these words truthfully.


Maybe I'm just being paranoid, but don't I have the right to be? Just days after leaving my bed, he jumps into another's.. I feel so incrediably betrayed.

I LOVE HIM! And he has just proven that this doesn't matter to him.... he thought of me the entire time he was screwing this other girl, and he never stopped once and thought "I wonder how this will affect our relationship..." or ANYTHING. He should have said no... he's done that before with that filthy home-wrecker that tried to seduce him before... I guess she just wasn't up to standards.

I guess I'm not either.


Why wasn't I good enough for him? Am I not good enough at sex? Am I not pretty enough? Sexy enough? What did this girl have that I didn't?

I'm obviously not enough for him... I guess in the back of my mind, I've always known that. The Waterpolo player falling in love with the theatre nerd? I guess that kind of thing never happens... He settled for me... and I know out there, there are probably hundreds of girls vying for his attentions that are immensely better all around than me.

Fairy Tales don't exist. Prince Charmings don't fall from the sky and find the damsel in distress and save her from the horrible world.

Never tell your children these stories, it will only hurt them later on. I know... because all this time I've been the hopeless romantic waiting for Mr. Perfect... and nobody's perfect.



...and here I am. crying again. I guess I should stop now, I feel like a ranting ass.... just need to get it out of my system.

If I don't write again in another week, assume I've left the site. I love you all, and thanks for the brilliant advice the last 5 months, we wouldn't have survived this far without you.