Actually....

 

Good Luck and Good Riddance.

"Never thought we'd have our last kiss..."

"Never thought we'd end like this...
You're name, forever the one on my lips...

-Taylor Swift "Last Kiss"

This will be my last blog, seeing as Brennen broke up with me last night. I had spent the entire day getting ready for our 8th month, where we were planning to go to Ghirdelli Square in the San Francisco. Later that day he texts me telling me not to dress up, and that he wanted to talk in the car before our date. I was a little weirded out, because I knew "talking in the car" meant that he had something he needed to tell me. That's where we usually discuss our relationship and stuff. I racked my brain for things I could have done wrong recently, and I couldn't think of anything. As it got closer and closer to seven, I got more and more nervous.. I must have done and redone my makeup a bunch of times. Finally, I heard a knock on the door. I made a few jokes in the house, grabbed my glasses and phone, and ran out the door. I hadn't realized it had started raining again, and I said "Oh! I should get an umbrella!" and brennen turned to me and said "Don't worry, it won't take that long" I was a little confused with the statement, but being still in denial, I decided it was because we wouldn't be outside long... or the rain was going to stop...
We got in the car, and I put my seat belt on, and gave Brennen a smile. He sighed, and asked me if I could ever get over my fear of heights and people disliking me. I gave him a weird look, and said "No.... it's a part of my personality?". He sighed again, and said "I... I... I want to break up."

I was shocked beyond belief. Here I was expecting a romantic date in the city, and how I had all of these things to tell him... just earlier today I was thinking about our wedding.... and how I wanted to ask him if we had to wait 9 years, because I wasn't sure if I wanted to make my mother wait that long. I was also so glad we were getting so close to our 1 year.... I was going to be so happy, I was so.... proud.
Stupid things, stupid little things....

I gave him back my promise ring, and asked why after all I had done for him, forgiven him about the cheating. The only thing he said back was "This isn't about the cheating"

I couldn't take it anymore. I got out of the car, choked out "I still love you", slammed the car door and ran sobbing to my front door, where I collapsed on the floor crying for an hour. I stopped to change my facebook status, knowing that I couldn't change his mind, and that I didn't want to. I had obviously lost him months ago when he cheated. If he was happy in our relationship, and he was happy being long distance. But he's been gone, and it kills me inside.

So many things have gone through my head. I threw away all his love letters, his Christmas present, and then hid his prom picture, and any other small gifts, like bracelets, tea mugs.... Then I deleted all of the pictures of him in my phone, dating back to the day he gave my the carved tree with the words "May our love grow forever".
Bull. Shit. Because according to him.... I'm not marriage material.
It all feels like a lie... like some big ruse... so many broken promises..... why even buy me a ring?

I have so many things I wish I could have said. Like the fact that the first time we had sex... my first time, I wasn't even ready, I just did it because... well, I thought it would strengthen our relationship. Now I just regret it entirely, I should have saved it for someone special.

I'm just so... burnt right now. I spent the entire night staring at my ceiling wondering what I would do. I thought about converting to the catholic religion and becoming a nun.... I thought of my trip to Honduras this spring, and how I could do something stupid on purpose and get myself shot.... or fall off the cliff at Linda Mar Beach.... then I decided I was going to be a cat lady. I already have one cat... what's stopping me from getting 19 more? I don't want to love again.... I get burnt by sweet guys who turn into assholes every single time. My first boyfriend was nice, then broke up with my on our 6th month because he failed his drivers test. My second boyfriend... I dated him for 2 years and 7 months.... became a bisexual bipolar and he told me I had no redeeming qualities whatsoever because I asked him if he wanted to take a break to explore his sexuality. I dated a rich guy who showered me with gifts and affection.... he's probably the only guy who came out the sweetest, because he understood my problems and was willing to wait and let me breathe. And now Brennen... a sweet gentleman with.... I guess a roving eye and a hidden rudeness that could shock anyone.
I can't be really mean to Bren... because for all of the hatred, I could never be mean, because as I said that night, I still love him. And even though he told me straight up that he doesn't love me "that way" (which sounded vaguely similar to my Dad's reasons for getting a divorce... actually, scratch that, that's exactly why my dad decided he wanted to get a divorce)

I wonder who she is. Because she's a lucky girl...she's gotta have something so special to ruin what we had. To be able to catch his eye.... sometimes I wish I could know the real reason why he left, but it wouldn't make me feel better at all, just worse... so much worse...

Well, LFADers, this is goodbye. This is my last post, the final chapter to a romance never meant to be. The popular jock and the Theatre nerd... The Prince charming who was with the wrong princess.

"Summer romances end for all kinds of reasons. But when all is said and done, they have one thing in common: They are shooting stars-a spectacular moment of light in the heavens, a fleeting glimpse of eternity. And in a flash, they're gone."

-The Notebook

Oh, I believe in yesterday

Days Till I leave Pacifica, CA to go to Saint Petersburg, FL: 26 Days

I just realized how I haven't written in nearly a month! I haven't fallen off the face of the Earth, I promise!

With Finals, and my first two weeks of winter break done, I thought I'd fill all of you in on the interesting world of being back home. I first saw Brennen the day after my flight home for a quick meal at a local restaurant we used to frequent. I had been dreading this day for a while, not sure how I was going to handle facing him for the first time since the incident (which I remind you, was nearly 3 months ago, because it was a few days after our last visit). To an extent, I was right, because when I first saw him, hurt came crashing over me, and it did practically ruin the night. I was shy, and not sure how to handle my emotions. That night I went running to my mother for advice, and she told me after a very long conversation about the situation that it was obvious that I still very much loved him, and that I shouldn't let the past ruin my present and future. I took her advice, and it was smooth sailing from there.

On our 7th month we exchange the rings in the spot (like I had said in my last blog) where we had first discussed marriage. His was a little too big, so he's ordering a smaller one (it's cheaper to buy a new ring than to resize that thing!) but he still wears it all the time, and as do I. 

Of course, we have our fair share of bumps the last few weeks as well. It all started with a conversation on how we were raised and how each of us thought the way we were raised was better. I was more the nurturing, advice-giving, and supporting, and he was more strictness, discipline, and respect. It turned into a small tiff, and all I could keep thinking was "If you think we're going to raise our children like that...". It came with the sudden realization that, we've promised to spend the rest of our lives together, so we have to start paying attention to those types of things.
And you wouldn't believe it, but that's only the first on the list. 

Our date tonight rain into two very large speed bumps, which brought the date to a screeching halt.
We had run into a group of kids from Brennen's now "old" church. As we walk away from the theater towards his car, I began asking why he left his church and if something was wrong. He told me that he was sick of having to defend me to the members of the church, which shocked me a bit, since I'm a somewhat devote christian myself. I asked him why his church still believed I was a non-believer and going to hell even though I go to church every Sunday. He then turned to me and said "Just because I hang out with you, does that mean we have a relationship?". I immediately was taken aback by his sudden attack on my comment, and out of nervous habit I began fiddling with my necklace... only to suddenly realize the very necklace I fiddle with is a very tarnished silver cross given to me years ago from my pastor around the same time she told me I would be an excellent Presbyterian Pastor.
Brennen noticed the difference in my demeanor and asked what was wrong. And all I could choke out was [referring to the incident] "Do you want to know what I did right after you told me? I went to church and prayed for an hour." I nearly broke out into tears right there, but it would have defeated the purpose of my praying that day since I had prayed for strength to overcome what had happened. I pulled myself together, and the night went on. 
We stopped by the newly open cheesecake factory and considered getting a slice, but neither of us were particularly hungry, so I decided to call it a night, and we began to drive back to my house.
On the way there we discussed how he's a morning person, and I'm not. He told me I should get use to getting up early with him, and that it's the best feeling in the world to get up before the sun and do work.
I laughed, an told him there was no way I would do anything before the sun was up, unless my future boss told me to. I then told him how much fun I have being a night owl. Staying up writing, or researching, or even just getting lost into a really good book. What it was like to wake up at 3 am and suddenly have inspiration and scribbling down my next great play or screenplay (and soon short stories for my writing class!). He gave me a grimace, and the conversation died soon after (with some help from me diverting the conversation to my trip to Canada when I was younger. Brilliant piece of transition, if I do say so myself!)
But from then on, the conversations took a... well, let's just say they had a bit of a bite to them. Things like how I might have a fear of my own weight because I didn't care to weigh myself on a scale to see what I exactly weighed. To be honest, I don't care, but I know Brennen is very avid on healthy, athletic lifestyles, so I made a joking comment about how I loved being back in San Francisco because I missed health food, and that one doesn't realized how much health food we eat here until you move to The South.
He turned to me and said "Actually, I don't like being back. I can't work out here like I can in Santa Clara." I again recognized Brennen's affinity towards the athletic and suggested that next time he was home for an extended time, he should just get a free trial membership so he can avoid the costs, but still go to a gym. He then turned to my, with a very dark look in his eyes and said "Barbara, I get that you like to fix my problems." I tried to make a joke about how creative problem solving looks good on a resume, but he only continued with "Yeah, but not all problems need solving, and sometimes I just want to enjoy the fact I have problems, ok?"
....and something just broke. I squeaked out "So, really what you're saying is that you hate it here."
And that was the last sentence I said the rest of the car ride home. He was able to get a small smile out of me later, but later hurt my feelings more with "Come on! There must be something that bothers you about me!"

I didn't realize me trying to help was....bothersome.

I mean, sometimes his immaturity in public is embarrassing, but I was never say that to him like he said that to me... that's just mean. Also, his a teenage boy! That's to be expected!

I just wonder... and worry...
Will this of all things be more damaging to our relationship? I would hope not! I'm all for compromising, and this guy makes me happier than any person I know... but he also makes me sadder than anyone else could.

UGH! I thought we would be over having issues... but I guess one should worry if absolutely nothing was wrong with you're relationship.... is it bad I think that way?
Who knows! Who cares! I have a week to enjoy in the Happiest Place on Earth with some of my closest friends. Time to go into complete chill mode... and to go on the Indiana Jones ride. 

Changes in Latitude, Changes in Attitude.

Days in a LDR: 4 months.
Days till I see him next: A week.

Well, first i'd like to make a correction to my last post. I swear to God Brennen said "Mom" when he was talking about the NFL tickets, but in fact it was Nora.
Nora.
REALLY? I find this worse than his Mom making a "peace offering". What is this? A "I'm sorry I hit on you Boyfriend here's some good seats to an NFL game?"
Does this mean I get seat to a Broadway show from Stephanie?

Okay, I admit I have a very dark humor about this entire situation, but really? It won't change my feelings for her. I give her "credit" for attempting, but she'll have none of my respect.

Moving on...

My Father has decided to move out, when this will happen, I have no idea. So I have to play the idiot and be nice, because he's footing my college bill, and even before my acceptances he was threatening to not pay. And on top of that I'll have Brennen around the house....

Men. *shakes head*

I have no idea what's been up with me this week, but my feelings for Bren have turned angry again. I dislike talking to him (which is fine with me, because he's my #1 distraction, and it's finals week) and even though he sent me what I would usually think is an amazing love letter, I was unimpressed.
The worst is I have been rethinking "the fiasco" (as I so dearly call it). It's left me pretty morose. But no one knows. The one good thing about being an actress is that I can put on a show no problem. I'm sure everyone has forgotten about it about now. Except me. Not many people on campus knew about it in the first place, so it gets easier to cover up as the days gone on.

Interestingly enough, the other day I was asked if I was a virgin because "I act like one", not because of lack of knowledge, but the fact that I seem "too sweet" and I'm "modest about my dress". I guess I can pin my Neo-Victorian tenancies to this, but it did bring up an interesting thought in my head... should I have done it?
At this point, I wonder what would have happened if I hadn't... would this still have happened? Would it have been worse?
It brings to mind a speaker who use to come to my High School who talked about abstinence: Brad Henning. He was a firm believer that guys will do anything to get into bed with you, and once they've achieved that "goal", they move onto the next. When the thought came into my mind, all I could think was "Stephanie...Stephanie...". I've been good, I haven't cried, but goddamn if I didn't get close then.
I'm usually pretty strong, but this hit my one fragile place, and I'm alone in Florida, secretly putting together the pieces.

Freud said that girls will look for a Man who acts like their Father.... I wasn't expecting that they'd both be cheaters, the two most dear men in my life are untrustworthy scum.
But what can I do?
They're mine.

Keeping up with the Del Castellos

Days in a LDR: 3 months, 19 days
Days till I see him next: 18 days

It's been a while since my last post, but my goodness, if it hasn't been an eventful few days! A lot of ups and downs. I'll see if I can disperse them around evenly not to get anyone in a funk from the bad! Especially me!
Ok, let's try this backwards!


First, Nasty News: My Parents are getting a divorce because... of all irony he cheated. Of course, my Mom asked if he wanted to go to counseling, and he said "No, I don't love you anymore"
Ouch! I've known for years that this day was coming, but still, he didn't have to be like that.
Not sure how this will affect my relationship with Brennen, or how my Mother will view him... more on that to come.

Well, as of a few seconds ago, Brennen's mother offered me some pretty choice seats to a San Francisco 49r's game. Now, while I'm a baseball girl (GIANTS!!!) I could not for the life of me tell Brennen that I dislike football and probably would enjoy it (years of cheerleading make you hate it, I swear!). It was very nice of her to offer, so I graciously accepted, but also explained to Bren my thoughts on football as a warning.
Now, her motives are the one thing questionable about the whole thing. She told Brennen, who told me it was a peace offering because she thought I hated her. Now, Bren has been getting a never ending rain of ugly opinions on LDRs and how they ruin the "College Experience". To them, he should be randomly leaving with girls from parties and such and being crazy. While this has been happening our entire relationship, it bugs me now more than ever because I've made the realization that this could have been the thought that OK'd cheating on me. It puts questions into his mind like "Am I missing out?" or "Should this be the way I behave?".
So, to say the least, when I found out his grandfather told him he should marry this other girl because her Dad is a Naval Officer, I went a little overboard. It started with crying, eventually screaming, and a final "YOUR FAMILY NEEDS TO SUPPORT US, OR SHUT UP!"
I'm sure he told his parents my... *ahem* "Passionate" thoughts on their opinions, and I see these tickets as a "We're sorry we seem like we don't approve".

In other news: I have Brennen's Christmas Present picked out! I'm very excited. And moving on... (No, Brennen, I'm NOT going to tell you!!)

Me and Brennen had in interesting conversation over thanksgiving break which I would like to call a "fight" but he didn't really fight back, so it was more like me yelling at him. It started with another brilliant realization of mine (See? This is what happens when you leave me alone on a college campus, I start THINKING!) which was this: Why the hell is Bren grateful? What I meant, and still mean is that after the big fiasco, it was like he tried too hard to make us "normal" and instead, any form of romantic gestures got lost in the wood works. It was like I was doing all of the work, but because I'm not exactly one for romancing him right now... we were in a rut.
Eventually one day over break, I had been texting him for hours, and finally I said "Hey! Can we call each other? It would be easier." It was around 10ish, and unlike during school days, I wanted to get a full 12 hours! Also, this was the perfect time to discuss what I had been feeling. His response? "Yeah, I was about to watch a movie, how about in a few hours?".
And then, it happened, I snapped.
All I could think was "HE'S WATCHING A DVD IN THE LIVING ROOM INSTEAD OF TALKING TO ME, AND PLANS ON KEEPING ME UP UNTIL 12AM WAITING? WHAT AM I TO HIM????
I started throwing things, and blasting angry music, painted my nails deep red....anything to calm me down. It was almost like there was two of me. One was calm and saying "Barbara, don't worry hun! It's just a movie... call him tomorrow! It'll be fine!" and the other was like "BAR-BAR-AH SMASH BREN-NAN! RAAAWWWRRRR."
I soon texted him a long text starting with "Okay you're always telling me that I should speak my mind instead of contemplating the rational behind my emotions. So here I go: First off, F*** YOU. Secondly: something that has become apparent to me over the past few weeks is this: The moment you stop taking advantage of me and at least TRY to make this a good relationship is the moment when you start earning back my trust. Have fun with your movie. Good. F***ing. Night."
I'm not one to spout out emotions like that, but it really killed me to see how hard I was trying to forgive him, and how it seemed like I was just taken for granted. And I am NOT one you take for granted.

And amazingly enough, he agreed with me. I guess he had been trying to o a bunch of nice things, but all of them were unfinished because of laziness. Like a couple of unfinished care packages, and an idea to have flowers delivered to my dorm room. He apologized for his laziness, and then thanked me for telling him outright my problem. I guess several of his past girlfriends have broken up with him over that, but he never knows what's wrong until it's too late.
Interesting.

Anyways, the conversation cooled off from there. We ended up the next day sitting and talking for hours over the phone. And we finally picked out our promise/poesy rings. While I'm not getting them until winter break (on the 20th) it's good to pick them out when the prices are low for cyber Monday and such.
We're getting the same ring: http://www.limogesjewelry.com/custom.asp?productid=9079
Mine will say "Amor Vinict Omnia" which means "Love Conquers All"
It really struck a chord with me because not only has our relationship conquered distance, but the worst thing that could ever happen in a relationship: infidelity. If we can survive this, who's to say we can't get married? Even if we have to wait 9 years...
I guess that's what these rings are for!

Well, that's all for now! Off to cyber monday shop!

Inspiration Hit Me Like A Train On It's Tracks

I'm not that good of a poet... and I know that. But in some of my darkest times I still seem to go towards it. (It's true! Honestly... I have books and books of poetry dating back to Middle School of all my heartaches). For one of my classes we were asked to write a poem... and I came out with two. I ended up showing the more vague and nice one to my class... but I thought I should post the dark one some where... so here they both are in entirety:

A Woeful Day

A woeful day,
A day beget from a night of darkness.
How one wishes to forget!
But a memory like this is etched in stone,
only weathered by the waters of time,
slowly smoothing the stone
until none can read it.

A woeful day,
A day beget from spoken truth.
Should a truth like this be respected?
Should a tyrannical king be respected for holding the office?
His acts disregarded because they're explained?
His misdeeds cannot hide behind honesty,
they can only be what they are.

A woeful day,
A day beget from distance.
How one wishes to disappear!
Does distance make me less a person?
We are still connected,
a slice of one heart string has left me in pain,
yet, more strings exist,
and so I must stay holding on.

A woeful day,
A day beget from mindless sin.
Should loss of sanity be to blame?
Is it a crime for which one can plea such a thing?
No.
Never forget, never respect, never disappear, never blame.
Always love.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~***~~~~~~~~~~~~~

To my friend I exclaimed:
"Why are there so many choices?"
Do not worry, dear companion,
A choice is a path,
all to which have the same destination.
But, choose wisely.
If you make your heart agree with you head, all shall be right.

Sometimes it lasts in love, but sometimes it hurts instead...

Days in a LDR: 3 Months, 6 days
Days till I see him next: 1 Month

You know how the time flies
Only yesterday was the time of our lives
We were born and raised in a summer haze
Bound by the surprise of our glory days

-Adele "Someone Like You"

Interestingly enough, I guess I called Brennen "Corey" for the first time the other night. I was in the midst of explaining an embarrassing story of something that had happened to me that morning when I guess it quickly slipped out. Now, I have no recollection of this happening, I don't even remember what I exactly said, but Brennen quickly jumped on it.
To say the least, it ruin what seemed to be our first completely civil conversation... and it was my fault?

I'm completely weirded out by this. How, after 6 months of being without that jerk would I choose now to subconsciously spat out his name?
Hmm. So many questions...
It's almost an insult to call him "Corey" seeing how the guy ruined my Senior Prom, and told me I had "no redeeming qualities whatsoever". He also never grew out of a 15 year mentality, which is fine when you're 15, but when you're 18 and hanging out with 15 year olds still... something is wrong.
Did I make a connection between that dreadful relationship and me and Brennen's current situation? I hope not, because honestly, I do not want that same ending. I would like a happily ever after.

And on that point, I told him while I wanted a Promise Ring from him... and how much it would relieve my mind to have him walking around with a wedding band-like ring around his hand.... I couldn't do it.
A good point was brought up on here that the ring could be tainted by these sour memories... and also, I would rather get them in person, something that would be possible in a month. I want it to be a big deal! Something I'd get prettied up from...something romantic, and sweet... and almost brings a tear to your eyes because of how amazing you feel.

I was thinking we could go to the place where we first talked about getting married, which is a specific bench at my Hometown's beach. And we could make promises! Kind of like vows... I would guess, but much more simple, and less.... well, wedding-like! Something along the lines of: "I promise to be faithful to you, to never take you for granted, to love you with all that I am, and all that I could be" 


We also discussed my last blog. I guess a lot of what I said didn't make sense to him... my favorite line being "If you want me to stand up every time you get up from the table.... I'll do it... but I don't get it." 

Point<------ over here |  over here -------> how far he missed that point


What the whole argument was about was how badly I wanted to be romanced! But oh well... I won't push it! Eventually that will get into his head... somehow I will get that back! This is a time when he should be working his ass off to win back my affections, and so far... not feeling it. Do I not earn such behavior? If he was so happy I forgave him.. why not show me?
Also... one interesting point came up in conversation about how I described my "bottled" emotions last post:

Brennen: It sounds like you have this notion of how things should be after your man cheats. And you are hiding behind that notion. I don't mean to criticize, but it sounds like you're saying what you should say.

Annnddd.... wait for it...... *zing* *SPLAT*. Ouch... let me just pull this dagger out of my chest.... no biggie....

Of course, I quickly responded with something along the lines of "If I was following what I believed about cheating, I would have dumped your ass. End of story."

One thing about LDRs... you can't HIT them when you feel like it. I always found I was better with the pen rather than the sword, but that was a moment would I could have easily clocked him across the face.

And we talked it out.... and now I feel better, of course. But it dumbfounds me how he thinks I'm putting on a show, and that the reason I don't say "I l**e you" (nope, I can't even get myself to type it.) is, from what I can tell, is because I'm "teaching him a lesson".
OH HELLLLLLLLL NO! *Snaps fingers in a Z formation*.

That is SO wrong on SO many levels. I am working my butt off to get past this and work towards a happy relationship.... and if he thinks I'm just "doing this"...... RAWWWWWWWRRRRRRRRR!
Yeah, still could punch him. Hard enough to break a nose.


....I don't even think I could punch that hard.... but oh well! Worth a try!!


It'll be interesting when I see him in a month, I can't decide what'll happen.... I keep picturing this movie-like scene, with me running towards him at the airport.... and slapping him as hard as possible on the face.... and then giving him a hug, of course. I also imagine calling him a "manwhore".

Oh so conflicted.... well... 30 days to go! We'll see what happens 

"I know what you're friends say
'He's just wasting your loving time'
I will never let you change your mind
No need to cry about it, I cannot live without it
Every time, I wind up back at your door
Why do you do this to me?
You penetrate right through me every time I wind up back at your door"

- Maroon 5 "Back At Your Door"