Days in a LDR: 3 months, 19 days
Days till I see him next: 18 days
It's been a while since my last post, but my goodness, if it hasn't been an eventful few days! A lot of ups and downs. I'll see if I can disperse them around evenly not to get anyone in a funk from the bad! Especially me!
Ok, let's try this backwards!
First, Nasty News: My Parents are getting a divorce because... of all irony he cheated. Of course, my Mom asked if he wanted to go to counseling, and he said "No, I don't love you anymore"
Ouch! I've known for years that this day was coming, but still, he didn't have to be like that.
Not sure how this will affect my relationship with Brennen, or how my Mother will view him... more on that to come.
Well, as of a few seconds ago, Brennen's mother offered me some pretty choice seats to a San Francisco 49r's game. Now, while I'm a baseball girl (GIANTS!!!) I could not for the life of me tell Brennen that I dislike football and probably would enjoy it (years of cheerleading make you hate it, I swear!). It was very nice of her to offer, so I graciously accepted, but also explained to Bren my thoughts on football as a warning.
Now, her motives are the one thing questionable about the whole thing. She told Brennen, who told me it was a peace offering because she thought I hated her. Now, Bren has been getting a never ending rain of ugly opinions on LDRs and how they ruin the "College Experience". To them, he should be randomly leaving with girls from parties and such and being crazy. While this has been happening our entire relationship, it bugs me now more than ever because I've made the realization that this could have been the thought that OK'd cheating on me. It puts questions into his mind like "Am I missing out?" or "Should this be the way I behave?".
So, to say the least, when I found out his grandfather told him he should marry this other girl because her Dad is a Naval Officer, I went a little overboard. It started with crying, eventually screaming, and a final "YOUR FAMILY NEEDS TO SUPPORT US, OR SHUT UP!"
I'm sure he told his parents my... *ahem* "Passionate" thoughts on their opinions, and I see these tickets as a "We're sorry we seem like we don't approve".
In other news: I have Brennen's Christmas Present picked out! I'm very excited. And moving on... (No, Brennen, I'm NOT going to tell you!!)
Me and Brennen had in interesting conversation over thanksgiving break which I would like to call a "fight" but he didn't really fight back, so it was more like me yelling at him. It started with another brilliant realization of mine (See? This is what happens when you leave me alone on a college campus, I start THINKING!) which was this: Why the hell is Bren grateful? What I meant, and still mean is that after the big fiasco, it was like he tried too hard to make us "normal" and instead, any form of romantic gestures got lost in the wood works. It was like I was doing all of the work, but because I'm not exactly one for romancing him right now... we were in a rut.
Eventually one day over break, I had been texting him for hours, and finally I said "Hey! Can we call each other? It would be easier." It was around 10ish, and unlike during school days, I wanted to get a full 12 hours! Also, this was the perfect time to discuss what I had been feeling. His response? "Yeah, I was about to watch a movie, how about in a few hours?".
And then, it happened, I snapped.
All I could think was "HE'S WATCHING A DVD IN THE LIVING ROOM INSTEAD OF TALKING TO ME, AND PLANS ON KEEPING ME UP UNTIL 12AM WAITING? WHAT AM I TO HIM????
I started throwing things, and blasting angry music, painted my nails deep red....anything to calm me down. It was almost like there was two of me. One was calm and saying "Barbara, don't worry hun! It's just a movie... call him tomorrow! It'll be fine!" and the other was like "BAR-BAR-AH SMASH BREN-NAN! RAAAWWWRRRR."
I soon texted him a long text starting with "Okay you're always telling me that I should speak my mind instead of contemplating the rational behind my emotions. So here I go: First off, F*** YOU. Secondly: something that has become apparent to me over the past few weeks is this: The moment you stop taking advantage of me and at least TRY to make this a good relationship is the moment when you start earning back my trust. Have fun with your movie. Good. F***ing. Night."
I'm not one to spout out emotions like that, but it really killed me to see how hard I was trying to forgive him, and how it seemed like I was just taken for granted. And I am NOT one you take for granted.
And amazingly enough, he agreed with me. I guess he had been trying to o a bunch of nice things, but all of them were unfinished because of laziness. Like a couple of unfinished care packages, and an idea to have flowers delivered to my dorm room. He apologized for his laziness, and then thanked me for telling him outright my problem. I guess several of his past girlfriends have broken up with him over that, but he never knows what's wrong until it's too late.
Interesting.
Anyways, the conversation cooled off from there. We ended up the next day sitting and talking for hours over the phone. And we finally picked out our promise/poesy rings. While I'm not getting them until winter break (on the 20th) it's good to pick them out when the prices are low for cyber Monday and such.
We're getting the same ring: http://www.limogesjewelry.com/custom.asp?productid=9079
Mine will say "Amor Vinict Omnia" which means "Love Conquers All"
It really struck a chord with me because not only has our relationship conquered distance, but the worst thing that could ever happen in a relationship: infidelity. If we can survive this, who's to say we can't get married? Even if we have to wait 9 years...
I guess that's what these rings are for!
Well, that's all for now! Off to cyber monday shop!
Monday, November 28, 2011
Thursday, November 17, 2011
Inspiration Hit Me Like A Train On It's Tracks
I'm not that good of a poet... and I know that. But in some of my darkest times I still seem to go towards it. (It's true! Honestly... I have books and books of poetry dating back to Middle School of all my heartaches). For one of my classes we were asked to write a poem... and I came out with two. I ended up showing the more vague and nice one to my class... but I thought I should post the dark one some where... so here they both are in entirety:
A woeful day,
A day beget from a night of darkness.
How one wishes to forget!
But a memory like this is etched in stone,
only weathered by the waters of time,
slowly smoothing the stone
until none can read it.
A woeful day,
A day beget from spoken truth.
Should a truth like this be respected?
Should a tyrannical king be respected for holding the office?
His acts disregarded because they're explained?
His misdeeds cannot hide behind honesty,
they can only be what they are.
A woeful day,
A day beget from distance.
How one wishes to disappear!
Does distance make me less a person?
We are still connected,
a slice of one heart string has left me in pain,
yet, more strings exist,
and so I must stay holding on.
A woeful day,
A day beget from mindless sin.
Should loss of sanity be to blame?
Is it a crime for which one can plea such a thing?
No.
Never forget, never respect, never disappear, never blame.
Always love.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~***~~~~~~~~~~~~~
To my friend I exclaimed:
"Why are there so many choices?"
Do not worry, dear companion,
A choice is a path,
all to which have the same destination.
But, choose wisely.
If you make your heart agree with you head, all shall be right.
A Woeful Day
A woeful day,
A day beget from a night of darkness.
How one wishes to forget!
But a memory like this is etched in stone,
only weathered by the waters of time,
slowly smoothing the stone
until none can read it.
A woeful day,
A day beget from spoken truth.
Should a truth like this be respected?
Should a tyrannical king be respected for holding the office?
His acts disregarded because they're explained?
His misdeeds cannot hide behind honesty,
they can only be what they are.
A woeful day,
A day beget from distance.
How one wishes to disappear!
Does distance make me less a person?
We are still connected,
a slice of one heart string has left me in pain,
yet, more strings exist,
and so I must stay holding on.
A woeful day,
A day beget from mindless sin.
Should loss of sanity be to blame?
Is it a crime for which one can plea such a thing?
No.
Never forget, never respect, never disappear, never blame.
Always love.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~***~~~~~~~~~~~~~
To my friend I exclaimed:
"Why are there so many choices?"
Do not worry, dear companion,
A choice is a path,
all to which have the same destination.
But, choose wisely.
If you make your heart agree with you head, all shall be right.
Tuesday, November 15, 2011
Sometimes it lasts in love, but sometimes it hurts instead...
Days in a LDR: 3 Months, 6 days
Days till I see him next: 1 Month
Interestingly enough, I guess I called Brennen "Corey" for the first time the other night. I was in the midst of explaining an embarrassing story of something that had happened to me that morning when I guess it quickly slipped out. Now, I have no recollection of this happening, I don't even remember what I exactly said, but Brennen quickly jumped on it.
To say the least, it ruin what seemed to be our first completely civil conversation... and it was my fault?
I'm completely weirded out by this. How, after 6 months of being without that jerk would I choose now to subconsciously spat out his name?
Hmm. So many questions...
It's almost an insult to call him "Corey" seeing how the guy ruined my Senior Prom, and told me I had "no redeeming qualities whatsoever". He also never grew out of a 15 year mentality, which is fine when you're 15, but when you're 18 and hanging out with 15 year olds still... something is wrong.
Did I make a connection between that dreadful relationship and me and Brennen's current situation? I hope not, because honestly, I do not want that same ending. I would like a happily ever after.
And on that point, I told him while I wanted a Promise Ring from him... and how much it would relieve my mind to have him walking around with a wedding band-like ring around his hand.... I couldn't do it.
A good point was brought up on here that the ring could be tainted by these sour memories... and also, I would rather get them in person, something that would be possible in a month. I want it to be a big deal! Something I'd get prettied up from...something romantic, and sweet... and almost brings a tear to your eyes because of how amazing you feel.
I was thinking we could go to the place where we first talked about getting married, which is a specific bench at my Hometown's beach. And we could make promises! Kind of like vows... I would guess, but much more simple, and less.... well, wedding-like! Something along the lines of: "I promise to be faithful to you, to never take you for granted, to love you with all that I am, and all that I could be"
We also discussed my last blog. I guess a lot of what I said didn't make sense to him... my favorite line being "If you want me to stand up every time you get up from the table.... I'll do it... but I don't get it."
Point<------ over here | over here -------> how far he missed that point
What the whole argument was about was how badly I wanted to be romanced! But oh well... I won't push it! Eventually that will get into his head... somehow I will get that back! This is a time when he should be working his ass off to win back my affections, and so far... not feeling it. Do I not earn such behavior? If he was so happy I forgave him.. why not show me?
Also... one interesting point came up in conversation about how I described my "bottled" emotions last post:
Brennen: It sounds like you have this notion of how things should be after your man cheats. And you are hiding behind that notion. I don't mean to criticize, but it sounds like you're saying what you should say.
Annnddd.... wait for it...... *zing* *SPLAT*. Ouch... let me just pull this dagger out of my chest.... no biggie....
Of course, I quickly responded with something along the lines of "If I was following what I believed about cheating, I would have dumped your ass. End of story."
One thing about LDRs... you can't HIT them when you feel like it. I always found I was better with the pen rather than the sword, but that was a moment would I could have easily clocked him across the face.
And we talked it out.... and now I feel better, of course. But it dumbfounds me how he thinks I'm putting on a show, and that the reason I don't say "I l**e you" (nope, I can't even get myself to type it.) is, from what I can tell, is because I'm "teaching him a lesson".
OH HELLLLLLLLL NO! *Snaps fingers in a Z formation*.
That is SO wrong on SO many levels. I am working my butt off to get past this and work towards a happy relationship.... and if he thinks I'm just "doing this"...... RAWWWWWWWRRRRRRRRR!
Yeah, still could punch him. Hard enough to break a nose.
....I don't even think I could punch that hard.... but oh well! Worth a try!!
It'll be interesting when I see him in a month, I can't decide what'll happen.... I keep picturing this movie-like scene, with me running towards him at the airport.... and slapping him as hard as possible on the face.... and then giving him a hug, of course. I also imagine calling him a "manwhore".
Oh so conflicted.... well... 30 days to go! We'll see what happens
Days till I see him next: 1 Month
You know how the time flies
Only yesterday was the time of our lives
We were born and raised in a summer haze
Bound by the surprise of our glory days
Only yesterday was the time of our lives
We were born and raised in a summer haze
Bound by the surprise of our glory days
-Adele "Someone Like You"
Interestingly enough, I guess I called Brennen "Corey" for the first time the other night. I was in the midst of explaining an embarrassing story of something that had happened to me that morning when I guess it quickly slipped out. Now, I have no recollection of this happening, I don't even remember what I exactly said, but Brennen quickly jumped on it.
To say the least, it ruin what seemed to be our first completely civil conversation... and it was my fault?
I'm completely weirded out by this. How, after 6 months of being without that jerk would I choose now to subconsciously spat out his name?
Hmm. So many questions...
It's almost an insult to call him "Corey" seeing how the guy ruined my Senior Prom, and told me I had "no redeeming qualities whatsoever". He also never grew out of a 15 year mentality, which is fine when you're 15, but when you're 18 and hanging out with 15 year olds still... something is wrong.
Did I make a connection between that dreadful relationship and me and Brennen's current situation? I hope not, because honestly, I do not want that same ending. I would like a happily ever after.
And on that point, I told him while I wanted a Promise Ring from him... and how much it would relieve my mind to have him walking around with a wedding band-like ring around his hand.... I couldn't do it.
A good point was brought up on here that the ring could be tainted by these sour memories... and also, I would rather get them in person, something that would be possible in a month. I want it to be a big deal! Something I'd get prettied up from...something romantic, and sweet... and almost brings a tear to your eyes because of how amazing you feel.
I was thinking we could go to the place where we first talked about getting married, which is a specific bench at my Hometown's beach. And we could make promises! Kind of like vows... I would guess, but much more simple, and less.... well, wedding-like! Something along the lines of: "I promise to be faithful to you, to never take you for granted, to love you with all that I am, and all that I could be"
We also discussed my last blog. I guess a lot of what I said didn't make sense to him... my favorite line being "If you want me to stand up every time you get up from the table.... I'll do it... but I don't get it."
Point<------ over here | over here -------> how far he missed that point
What the whole argument was about was how badly I wanted to be romanced! But oh well... I won't push it! Eventually that will get into his head... somehow I will get that back! This is a time when he should be working his ass off to win back my affections, and so far... not feeling it. Do I not earn such behavior? If he was so happy I forgave him.. why not show me?
Also... one interesting point came up in conversation about how I described my "bottled" emotions last post:
Brennen: It sounds like you have this notion of how things should be after your man cheats. And you are hiding behind that notion. I don't mean to criticize, but it sounds like you're saying what you should say.
Annnddd.... wait for it...... *zing* *SPLAT*. Ouch... let me just pull this dagger out of my chest.... no biggie....
Of course, I quickly responded with something along the lines of "If I was following what I believed about cheating, I would have dumped your ass. End of story."
One thing about LDRs... you can't HIT them when you feel like it. I always found I was better with the pen rather than the sword, but that was a moment would I could have easily clocked him across the face.
And we talked it out.... and now I feel better, of course. But it dumbfounds me how he thinks I'm putting on a show, and that the reason I don't say "I l**e you" (nope, I can't even get myself to type it.) is, from what I can tell, is because I'm "teaching him a lesson".
OH HELLLLLLLLL NO! *Snaps fingers in a Z formation*.
That is SO wrong on SO many levels. I am working my butt off to get past this and work towards a happy relationship.... and if he thinks I'm just "doing this"...... RAWWWWWWWRRRRRRRRR!
Yeah, still could punch him. Hard enough to break a nose.
....I don't even think I could punch that hard.... but oh well! Worth a try!!
It'll be interesting when I see him in a month, I can't decide what'll happen.... I keep picturing this movie-like scene, with me running towards him at the airport.... and slapping him as hard as possible on the face.... and then giving him a hug, of course. I also imagine calling him a "manwhore".
Oh so conflicted.... well... 30 days to go! We'll see what happens
"I know what you're friends say
'He's just wasting your loving time'
I will never let you change your mind
No need to cry about it, I cannot live without it
Every time, I wind up back at your door
Why do you do this to me?
You penetrate right through me every time I wind up back at your door"
'He's just wasting your loving time'
I will never let you change your mind
No need to cry about it, I cannot live without it
Every time, I wind up back at your door
Why do you do this to me?
You penetrate right through me every time I wind up back at your door"
- Maroon 5 "Back At Your Door"
Friday, November 11, 2011
Prejudice, Paranoia, and Poesy Rings
Days in a LDR: 3 Months, 3 Days.
It's been a while since I've written on my blog. I guess because compared to my last few entries, my life has been relatively boring. However, I wouldn't say it wasn't without it's own events.
First off, I should reiterate the fact that Paranoia is no fun. Every time Brennen texts me, or gives me a call, all I can imagine it "I did it again, I'm sorry" or "Barbara, I know why I did it, and it's because Stephanie is better for me". And while this is not the case ever, the thoughts always linger in my head with the start of every conversation. I always take his word with a grain of salt, which I don't think he realizes. It's getting better, however, because I can officially say that for the first time tonight I actually missed him. I wanted to sit and chat with him, hold his hand... small affections, but affections nonetheless.
My good guyfriend Greg had brought up the point yesterday that it almost seemed like I didn't care for Brennen at all, because I no longer showed any passionate emotion towards him, not ever anger. I hadn't realized how much I had bottled my emotions. I'm prone to do that, and it's never come out healthy. It always ends in some form of explosion. So, I'm allowing myself to emote. I know, I know, it sounds weird... but it actually helps. Why would I put myself through all this horrible torture if I didn't care for Brennen with all my heart? I can't say I love him, that's just silly in a position like mine, but he still has some of me, and I him.
Which gives me a perfect transition to my next event. Brennen has decided that we need "Promise Rings", which for us would be poesy rings, which are simple bands with poetic descriptions of affection etched within the ring. This came to a shock to me, because as you would plainly see in some of my past blogs, he did not believe in pre-engagement. It's been a gradual thing he's been warming up to, but with the latest string of events, I guess he feels something like that could help us.
What the poor boy doesn't know is how conflicted I am over picking out these rings! I have wanted a promise ring as long as I've had boyfriends (so... 5 years now? Wow, make me feel young...). But I didn't really want this to be the reason why I got it! I wanted romance... a man who gave his whole heart to me, and as a symbol of this, would hand me a ring, with the promise to be faithful and loving and passionate for as long as the ring stayed on my finger.
Two blogs ago I made a very, very dark comment about fairy tales and how Prince Charmings don't exist. What I didn't say was that my whole existence has been created from the heart of a hopeless romantic. I love wearing fancy clothes, reading romance novels, keeping perfect etiquette, acting out on a stage. Every single bit of me is this little "Princess" trying to find her "Prince".
I guess this is why I love the Victorians so much. Tonight, instead of going out, I decided to stay in my room and watch "Kate and Leopold", and every single moment of that movie, I wanted my very old Leopold. I wanted someone who would sit down with a Quill and write eloquent letters requesting my attendance for a private dinner. I wanted someone who would rise politely when I arrived and departed from the table. I wanted a man who would lead me in a waltz on a rooftop to the sound of a single violinist. I want to be courted, not hit on.
If there was a time machine, even if according to recent science it could only go one direction, I would go back to the Victorian times. Yes, I know they had shorter lifespans, and the world was grimy, and lacking in some forms of intelligence. But, really, I'm sure the Victorians would agree that they have the better time period.
Or, another valid point: Why can't men be like Victorian Gentleman? We have screwed up in allowing men to be such the slobs they are today. Where did it all go? What made it ok to be rude, to be uncaring? Who thought it would ever be appropriate to create the one night stand?
And who thought it would be appropriate to cheat.
*Sigh*, someday.... the world will give me that moment. That brief shining moment where I can be that girl in a fairytale. I've never wanted anything more strongly than that.
Well... I guess this is why I stopped writing.... this is the first time I've shed a tear since that wretched Thursday. But this heartache is much, much older than that. I've been crying over missing Princes since Middle School...
Wow, that sounds so depressing, but I guess that's the sad truth of it all.
It's been a while since I've written on my blog. I guess because compared to my last few entries, my life has been relatively boring. However, I wouldn't say it wasn't without it's own events.
First off, I should reiterate the fact that Paranoia is no fun. Every time Brennen texts me, or gives me a call, all I can imagine it "I did it again, I'm sorry" or "Barbara, I know why I did it, and it's because Stephanie is better for me". And while this is not the case ever, the thoughts always linger in my head with the start of every conversation. I always take his word with a grain of salt, which I don't think he realizes. It's getting better, however, because I can officially say that for the first time tonight I actually missed him. I wanted to sit and chat with him, hold his hand... small affections, but affections nonetheless.
My good guyfriend Greg had brought up the point yesterday that it almost seemed like I didn't care for Brennen at all, because I no longer showed any passionate emotion towards him, not ever anger. I hadn't realized how much I had bottled my emotions. I'm prone to do that, and it's never come out healthy. It always ends in some form of explosion. So, I'm allowing myself to emote. I know, I know, it sounds weird... but it actually helps. Why would I put myself through all this horrible torture if I didn't care for Brennen with all my heart? I can't say I love him, that's just silly in a position like mine, but he still has some of me, and I him.
Which gives me a perfect transition to my next event. Brennen has decided that we need "Promise Rings", which for us would be poesy rings, which are simple bands with poetic descriptions of affection etched within the ring. This came to a shock to me, because as you would plainly see in some of my past blogs, he did not believe in pre-engagement. It's been a gradual thing he's been warming up to, but with the latest string of events, I guess he feels something like that could help us.
What the poor boy doesn't know is how conflicted I am over picking out these rings! I have wanted a promise ring as long as I've had boyfriends (so... 5 years now? Wow, make me feel young...). But I didn't really want this to be the reason why I got it! I wanted romance... a man who gave his whole heart to me, and as a symbol of this, would hand me a ring, with the promise to be faithful and loving and passionate for as long as the ring stayed on my finger.
Two blogs ago I made a very, very dark comment about fairy tales and how Prince Charmings don't exist. What I didn't say was that my whole existence has been created from the heart of a hopeless romantic. I love wearing fancy clothes, reading romance novels, keeping perfect etiquette, acting out on a stage. Every single bit of me is this little "Princess" trying to find her "Prince".
I guess this is why I love the Victorians so much. Tonight, instead of going out, I decided to stay in my room and watch "Kate and Leopold", and every single moment of that movie, I wanted my very old Leopold. I wanted someone who would sit down with a Quill and write eloquent letters requesting my attendance for a private dinner. I wanted someone who would rise politely when I arrived and departed from the table. I wanted a man who would lead me in a waltz on a rooftop to the sound of a single violinist. I want to be courted, not hit on.
If there was a time machine, even if according to recent science it could only go one direction, I would go back to the Victorian times. Yes, I know they had shorter lifespans, and the world was grimy, and lacking in some forms of intelligence. But, really, I'm sure the Victorians would agree that they have the better time period.
Or, another valid point: Why can't men be like Victorian Gentleman? We have screwed up in allowing men to be such the slobs they are today. Where did it all go? What made it ok to be rude, to be uncaring? Who thought it would ever be appropriate to create the one night stand?
And who thought it would be appropriate to cheat.
*Sigh*, someday.... the world will give me that moment. That brief shining moment where I can be that girl in a fairytale. I've never wanted anything more strongly than that.
Well... I guess this is why I stopped writing.... this is the first time I've shed a tear since that wretched Thursday. But this heartache is much, much older than that. I've been crying over missing Princes since Middle School...
Wow, that sounds so depressing, but I guess that's the sad truth of it all.
Tuesday, November 1, 2011
The Aftermath
Days in a LDR: 2 Months, 3 Weeks, 2 Days
The last few days have been an interesting one. Now that I've made my decision to stay with him and figure out what the hell happened, things have been taking a change of pace. We've had multiple long conversations on the phone until the wee hours of the morning, going over a lot of things. The first on the list was the full story of what happened.
Here's the digest version: He was a party with his Waterpolo team when an angry drunk gave him a few good hits for no reason at all. Brennen wigged out, and was trying to make a way out when STEPHANIE (yeap, I know her name now) a girl from his Chem class called asking for a ride back to her dorm since she was a little tipsy. Brennen took advantage of this, and made a break for it. Then, as he walked her to her door, she turned to him and said "Please don't leave me". He obliged her with his company until she got very horny.... and started coming onto him, super super strong Then, nest thing he knew, they were kissing on his bed. He flipped out, pushed her away. "I have a girlfriend! I can't do this!" he exclaimed! But, alas, his will was too weak, and next thing he new it was minutes later and they had just done the deed. That's when the guilt hit him. He at first got very angry, but eventually apologized to Stephanie for being an ass and sleeping with her, walked out of the room, and that's when he texted me.
Now, he's an honest boy, and to this day he hasn't lied to me, so I accept the story as true. It hurts me to hear the details, and now, almost like clockwork, every night right when I close my eyes I picture the whole scenario... from the crazy drunk, to the sex. The sex is the painful part, obviously... I would rather not picture him with another woman. But, that is the harsh reality of this situation, and I'm going to have to suck it up and deal with it if we're going to make this work.
Of course, that doesn't stop me from tearing up every once and a while still. It's only been a week. Like today I saw a picture of a scene from the notebook (Brennen's favorite movie) that we had reenacted once. It was a picture of the two main characters dancing in the middle of an intersection... and suddenly, I was down for the count, collapsed on the floor, sobbing, wondering where that part of our relationship went.
I mean, yeah it's still there.... but different, very different.
My mom texted me earlier informing me that Brennen had sent her a heartfelt apology for what he had done to me, and how he knows what a big part she plays in my life, and he hopes to gain back both of our trust as soon as he can.
Interesting... but it worked, my usually cold-hearted-towards-boyfriends mother seemed very moved by the letter.
I gave him a list of rules I expect him to follow along with my commentary on the whole situation. I pretty much told him to cut ties completely with this Stephanie (because the fact that they had talked about me in Chem class, and then during the situation leads me to believe she's a nasty home-wrecker), restrict the time he spends with girls, never drink, and tell his parents.
The commentary section included two very important things: I cannot say "I love you" and "One more mistake, any size, and I'm gone, I will not be marked an idiot for staying with you, so don't make me look like one."
The "I love you" thing is actually pretty interesting.... in an odd way. We've been saying those three little words for 4 outta the five months we've been together, and so I do admit it was a habit... a good one, but a habit nonetheless. And now I don't want it to be that. I can't say I love you to a man who proves himself unworthy of such words from my heart. The hopeless romantic inside of me screams "It is too sacred for such an unholy person!".
I wouldn't say I've taken back my heart from him.... but love without trust is impossible, so until he can fix that, I will not tell him those words...
He wants to be my Prince Charming.... but let's see if the shoe fits
The last few days have been an interesting one. Now that I've made my decision to stay with him and figure out what the hell happened, things have been taking a change of pace. We've had multiple long conversations on the phone until the wee hours of the morning, going over a lot of things. The first on the list was the full story of what happened.
Here's the digest version: He was a party with his Waterpolo team when an angry drunk gave him a few good hits for no reason at all. Brennen wigged out, and was trying to make a way out when STEPHANIE (yeap, I know her name now) a girl from his Chem class called asking for a ride back to her dorm since she was a little tipsy. Brennen took advantage of this, and made a break for it. Then, as he walked her to her door, she turned to him and said "Please don't leave me". He obliged her with his company until she got very horny.... and started coming onto him, super super strong Then, nest thing he knew, they were kissing on his bed. He flipped out, pushed her away. "I have a girlfriend! I can't do this!" he exclaimed! But, alas, his will was too weak, and next thing he new it was minutes later and they had just done the deed. That's when the guilt hit him. He at first got very angry, but eventually apologized to Stephanie for being an ass and sleeping with her, walked out of the room, and that's when he texted me.
Now, he's an honest boy, and to this day he hasn't lied to me, so I accept the story as true. It hurts me to hear the details, and now, almost like clockwork, every night right when I close my eyes I picture the whole scenario... from the crazy drunk, to the sex. The sex is the painful part, obviously... I would rather not picture him with another woman. But, that is the harsh reality of this situation, and I'm going to have to suck it up and deal with it if we're going to make this work.
Of course, that doesn't stop me from tearing up every once and a while still. It's only been a week. Like today I saw a picture of a scene from the notebook (Brennen's favorite movie) that we had reenacted once. It was a picture of the two main characters dancing in the middle of an intersection... and suddenly, I was down for the count, collapsed on the floor, sobbing, wondering where that part of our relationship went.
I mean, yeah it's still there.... but different, very different.
My mom texted me earlier informing me that Brennen had sent her a heartfelt apology for what he had done to me, and how he knows what a big part she plays in my life, and he hopes to gain back both of our trust as soon as he can.
Interesting... but it worked, my usually cold-hearted-towards-boyfriends mother seemed very moved by the letter.
I gave him a list of rules I expect him to follow along with my commentary on the whole situation. I pretty much told him to cut ties completely with this Stephanie (because the fact that they had talked about me in Chem class, and then during the situation leads me to believe she's a nasty home-wrecker), restrict the time he spends with girls, never drink, and tell his parents.
The commentary section included two very important things: I cannot say "I love you" and "One more mistake, any size, and I'm gone, I will not be marked an idiot for staying with you, so don't make me look like one."
The "I love you" thing is actually pretty interesting.... in an odd way. We've been saying those three little words for 4 outta the five months we've been together, and so I do admit it was a habit... a good one, but a habit nonetheless. And now I don't want it to be that. I can't say I love you to a man who proves himself unworthy of such words from my heart. The hopeless romantic inside of me screams "It is too sacred for such an unholy person!".
I wouldn't say I've taken back my heart from him.... but love without trust is impossible, so until he can fix that, I will not tell him those words...
He wants to be my Prince Charming.... but let's see if the shoe fits
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