The Aftermath

Days in a LDR: 2 Months, 3 Weeks, 2 Days

The last few days have been an interesting one. Now that I've made my decision to stay with him and figure out what the hell happened, things have been taking a change of pace. We've had multiple long conversations on the phone until the wee hours of the morning, going over a lot of things. The first on the list was the full story of what happened.

Here's the digest version: He was a party with his Waterpolo team when an angry drunk gave him a few good hits for no reason at all. Brennen wigged out, and was trying to make a way out when STEPHANIE (yeap, I know her name now) a girl from his Chem class called asking for a ride back to her dorm since she was a little tipsy. Brennen took advantage of this, and made a break for it. Then, as he walked her to her door, she turned to him and said "Please don't leave me". He obliged her with his company until she got very horny.... and started coming onto him, super super strong Then, nest thing he knew, they were kissing on his bed. He flipped out, pushed her away. "I have a girlfriend! I can't do this!" he exclaimed! But, alas, his will was too weak, and next thing he new it was minutes later and they had just done the deed. That's when the guilt hit him. He at first got very angry, but eventually apologized to Stephanie for being an ass and sleeping with her, walked out of the room, and that's when he texted me.


Now, he's an honest boy, and to this day he hasn't lied to me, so I accept the story as true. It hurts me to hear the details, and now, almost like clockwork, every night right when I close my eyes I picture the whole scenario... from the crazy drunk, to the sex. The sex is the painful part, obviously... I would rather not picture him with another woman. But, that is the harsh reality of this situation, and I'm going to have to suck it up and deal with it if we're going to make this work.

Of course, that doesn't stop me from tearing up every once and a while still. It's only been a week. Like today I saw a picture of a scene from the notebook (Brennen's favorite movie) that we had reenacted once. It was a picture of the two main characters dancing in the middle of an intersection... and suddenly, I was down for the count, collapsed on the floor, sobbing, wondering where that part of our relationship went.
I mean, yeah it's still there.... but different, very different.

My mom texted me earlier informing me that Brennen had sent her a heartfelt apology for what he had done to me, and how he knows what a big part she plays in my life, and he hopes to gain back both of our trust as soon as he can.
Interesting... but it worked, my usually cold-hearted-towards-boyfriends mother seemed very moved by the letter.

I gave him a list of rules I expect him to follow along with my commentary on the whole situation. I pretty much told him to cut ties completely with this Stephanie (because the fact that they had talked about me in Chem class, and then during the situation leads me to believe she's a nasty home-wrecker), restrict the time he spends with girls, never drink, and tell his parents.
The commentary section included two very important things: I cannot say "I love you" and "One more mistake, any size, and I'm gone, I will not be marked an idiot for staying with you, so don't make me look like one."

The "I love you" thing is actually pretty interesting.... in an odd way. We've been saying those three little words for 4 outta the five months we've been together, and so I do admit it was a habit... a good one, but a habit nonetheless. And now I don't want it to be that. I can't say I love you to a man who proves himself unworthy of such words from my heart. The hopeless romantic inside of me screams "It is too sacred for such an unholy person!".
I wouldn't say I've taken back my heart from him.... but love without trust is impossible, so until he can fix that, I will not tell him those words...


He wants to be my Prince Charming.... but let's see if the shoe fits