Days in a LDR: 3 Months, 3 Days.
It's been a while since I've written on my blog. I guess because compared to my last few entries, my life has been relatively boring. However, I wouldn't say it wasn't without it's own events.
First off, I should reiterate the fact that Paranoia is no fun. Every time Brennen texts me, or gives me a call, all I can imagine it "I did it again, I'm sorry" or "Barbara, I know why I did it, and it's because Stephanie is better for me". And while this is not the case ever, the thoughts always linger in my head with the start of every conversation. I always take his word with a grain of salt, which I don't think he realizes. It's getting better, however, because I can officially say that for the first time tonight I actually missed him. I wanted to sit and chat with him, hold his hand... small affections, but affections nonetheless.
My good guyfriend Greg had brought up the point yesterday that it almost seemed like I didn't care for Brennen at all, because I no longer showed any passionate emotion towards him, not ever anger. I hadn't realized how much I had bottled my emotions. I'm prone to do that, and it's never come out healthy. It always ends in some form of explosion. So, I'm allowing myself to emote. I know, I know, it sounds weird... but it actually helps. Why would I put myself through all this horrible torture if I didn't care for Brennen with all my heart? I can't say I love him, that's just silly in a position like mine, but he still has some of me, and I him.
Which gives me a perfect transition to my next event. Brennen has decided that we need "Promise Rings", which for us would be poesy rings, which are simple bands with poetic descriptions of affection etched within the ring. This came to a shock to me, because as you would plainly see in some of my past blogs, he did not believe in pre-engagement. It's been a gradual thing he's been warming up to, but with the latest string of events, I guess he feels something like that could help us.
What the poor boy doesn't know is how conflicted I am over picking out these rings! I have wanted a promise ring as long as I've had boyfriends (so... 5 years now? Wow, make me feel young...). But I didn't really want this to be the reason why I got it! I wanted romance... a man who gave his whole heart to me, and as a symbol of this, would hand me a ring, with the promise to be faithful and loving and passionate for as long as the ring stayed on my finger.
Two blogs ago I made a very, very dark comment about fairy tales and how Prince Charmings don't exist. What I didn't say was that my whole existence has been created from the heart of a hopeless romantic. I love wearing fancy clothes, reading romance novels, keeping perfect etiquette, acting out on a stage. Every single bit of me is this little "Princess" trying to find her "Prince".
I guess this is why I love the Victorians so much. Tonight, instead of going out, I decided to stay in my room and watch "Kate and Leopold", and every single moment of that movie, I wanted my very old Leopold. I wanted someone who would sit down with a Quill and write eloquent letters requesting my attendance for a private dinner. I wanted someone who would rise politely when I arrived and departed from the table. I wanted a man who would lead me in a waltz on a rooftop to the sound of a single violinist. I want to be courted, not hit on.
If there was a time machine, even if according to recent science it could only go one direction, I would go back to the Victorian times. Yes, I know they had shorter lifespans, and the world was grimy, and lacking in some forms of intelligence. But, really, I'm sure the Victorians would agree that they have the better time period.
Or, another valid point: Why can't men be like Victorian Gentleman? We have screwed up in allowing men to be such the slobs they are today. Where did it all go? What made it ok to be rude, to be uncaring? Who thought it would ever be appropriate to create the one night stand?
And who thought it would be appropriate to cheat.
*Sigh*, someday.... the world will give me that moment. That brief shining moment where I can be that girl in a fairytale. I've never wanted anything more strongly than that.
Well... I guess this is why I stopped writing.... this is the first time I've shed a tear since that wretched Thursday. But this heartache is much, much older than that. I've been crying over missing Princes since Middle School...
Wow, that sounds so depressing, but I guess that's the sad truth of it all.
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