Well, it's only been a few days, and I swear to God my mind has changed 10,000 times.
Brennen now has texted me everyday telling me exactly what he's doing at all times. I broke my rule against texting him back last night, and I only made myself feel bad.
The first night I made an entire lap around my school campus. While it might not be that big, it was still painful, just for different reasons. After few feet I would collapse to my feet crying, and when I finally got up, I would feel absolutely nothing at all. At every turn there was a cute couple having a moment, and it just made me sick. I finally ended up on the bleachers of our school field, where I spent a few hours contemplating everything from jumping into the nearby ocean and never coming back up, to sleeping with one of my guyfriends for revenge, to breaking my cardinal rule and drinking for the first time... and just keep drinking until I could forget my heartache. I went through with none of them, but the drinking looks better and better each passing day.
Everywhere I go I'm reminded of him. I nearly broke down in the middle of a Party City store just because Katy Perry's "Firework" (a song I always associated with him) was playing. I walk into a goodwill store and saw wedding dresses, and I seriously wanted to jump out the nearest window.
I feel like in my last blog I was so pissed off I just made everything sound horrible... which it is, but in a different sense.
I have no reason why he would ever do this to me, and for a matter of fact, he had no reason as well. I cannot wrap my mind around the sweetest boy I have ever meet taking my heart and ripping into the tiny shreds he did. And no, he wasn't faking it this entire time, he was sincere, and honest, reliable... until now.
The weirdest part is that he had a girl cheat on him in the past, and he's still angry and refuses to speak to her. Why would a guy that has first hand experience on what I'm currently feeling do anything like that?
Last night I went to a costume party for Halloween. For some reason, getting into that costume, and putting on the make-up... I suddenly felt like I was another person... I danced with guys, a few even tried to flirt with me, and the entire time I was thinking "Wow, this would never happen in real life... this is amazing" It was a bit of a confidence boost. But, as soon as I got back to my room, all of the heartache came flushing back. I feel so bad for my roomate, I haven't done laundry, I no longer make my bed, and she was there when I found out. I stay out of my room most of the time now because for some reason I cannot look her in the face. Even now as I'm typing this, I'm back out on Kappa field on the Bleachers, just like I was two nights ago. The cold air feels nice, it's a little reminder that this isn't a crazy dream, and that I still can feel something.
I know it hasn't been the week I said I would take to figure out what I want to do, but my mind is already made up on how I'm going to handle this situation. So many people want me to break up with him, and others just tell me to do what makes me happy. And I finally know what that is.
Brennen, I know you read this blog. You'll find out when you find out. Go back to studying for Chemistry or whatever.
I've made peace with my situation and with my God, and what my heart wants me to do.
Don't worry, LFADers, I'll tell you soon as well. I hope you can support me no matter what, because you guys are really great, and I don't want to lose a single one of you.
Thank you for all your kind words and support during this time.
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