So, I realized while I was typing up my last blog that....well, I am a horrible person! I flat out LIED about something that didn't even really matter... A dream? Really, Barbara? So I decided to contemplate why the hell I would lie over such a silly thing... For those of you who are confused on what I'm talking about, while conversing with Brennen on the phone yesterday, I decided to tell him about this cute dream I had about him.... then suddenly, after realizing I did notwant to tell him, I told him a comedic story about us running off to Las Vegas and getting married, and having my dad chase after us.
Which is SO not what happened in my dream, in my dream, I pictured me coming out of the terminal in my hometown, and having him holding a sign saying "Barbara Jaeb". After I give him a very confused look, and glance over at my smiling parents, I see him getting down on one knee....
....SO EFFIN' CUTE! WHY COULDN'T I TELL HIM!
So, some deep thinking lead me to this: I am afraid any form of talk about commitment will ruin our relationship. You see, before Brennen, I dated the same guy all through High School. A wonderfully sweet boy who promised me that we would someday get married... he even proposed several times, all with rings that he had made himself (he was an artist).
Then, suddenly, he got overprotective, restricted who I was allowed to see, and even then only with him around... he would beat up his friends for even calling me "pretty" and then would run off with younger girls. I finally broke it off with him, but it left me with a few scars, I know.
Now, whenever I talk about it with Brennen, I freeze up, and don't say much... and I know it has something to do with my past experiences. Which sucks, because I can see myself spending the rest of my life with him. (If my dream didn't OBVIOUSLY state that, lol)
Now I'm left with this important question: Do I tell him about my lying? Should I explain my emotional Baggage? Or is this too much commitment for such a young relationship?
RAWWWRRRR, what do I do???
Looks like I have more reflecting to do
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